urbanstepmom.com

Many of us were given “He’s Just Not That Into You” as a “gift” from a friend when it came out. Some of us needed to have the book thrown at our heads before we clued in that we were chasing a lost cause. It is slightly more tricky, and ever so more confusing and painful when you find yourself involved with a guy with kids who is not ready. He might be into you, but he is not ready for you.

There are two very clear times in this process that the guy is just not ready. The first one I like to call the Inferno, when he is still married, sharing a house with his wife and kids and dating you. Many women find themselves falling for men in this situation and because the man tells you his marriage is over, and has been for years (usually this is exactly what they say), and you believe him.

So ladies, please tell your friends as well, when a man is still married, and sharing a house with his wife and kids, those are red flags. In fact, that is an inferno, and you need to run for your life. I don’t care if he is your soulmate. I don’t care if he’s searched for you his whole life. I don’t care if he’s been mistreated by his wife for years (again, this is exactly what they say). Run.

I do know women who have hung in there through this nightmare and popped out the other end with a wonderful marriage and life, but the journey is rough and tumble and not for the faint of heart. The chances of living happily ever after this stage is almost nil. So if you are in that position, strap in, hold on for your life, and take care of your self along the way.

What I’ve noticed, is that it is common for marriages to go through hard times, and in those hard times men fantasize about other women. When a successful, dynamic, independent, fun urban step mom walks into his life and he starts to feel “in love”, he thinks that fantasy can become a reality. What these men really want is sex, they want to feel loved and admired and appreciated. What the men don’t understand, and the women who date them, is that the reality has a cost and that’s where it gets ugly.

The men cannot anticipate the emotional trauma of breaking up the family, the guilt of leaving the kids, the anguish of the wife, the dividing of the assets, the financial hit, the lawyers, the friends, and then also dealing with the emotions and demands of a new relationship. Even if he does plan on leaving, you do not want to be compromised in the middle of this war. And divorce is war, on the body, the soul and the spirit. If you are in the middle of this war, you become part of it. Next thing you know you are getting hate mail from his wife, threats on your life, being called a house wrecker. 

I have met too many fabulous women who are curled up in the fetal position trying to make sense of this disastrous dating scenario. They make excuses for the man and hang in there, sometimes for years hoping things will get easier but with each day they feel more and more confused and uncomfortable. You have to trust your gut ladies, if it feels gross and all churned up and you can’t focus on your work or your life, listen to it. Trust it.

The second zone I would advise to stay away from is what I call the Grey Area. This is when the man has left his family home, processed the separation papers, has a custody arrangement in place but isn’t divorced. This is maybe a more painful point than the Inferno because reality gets confusing. You tell yourself, he has left his wife, he has his own place, he is available.

That’s what I thought. They had been legally separated for six months, he was in the process of moving to a new house and it had been a “mutual” split. In retrospect, I can see the shocking reality of a mere six month split, four and a half year old twin boys, and how an amicable split can be compromised by a new love interest upon entering the picture. What I didn’t know was for those six months they had been essentially sharing the house even though they had separate accommodations, and that deep down (or not so deep) one of them hoped for reconciliation. What I also didn’t know was the domino effect of turmoil my presence would have on their family.

The Grey Area is when it is over between them, but not really. They are still connected, not only by the kids but by years of building a life together.  They are connected by the fights, the silences, the sharing of a bed for years, the routines, the friends, the extended families, the memories of a life together. What it feels like to the urban step mom is very threatening. She is confused by the constant contact with his ex, the manipulations that go back and forth, the dependence on each other, the emotional patterns they share, the dance they do. The urban step mom is confused by being bumped by her boyfriend because he needs to fix his ex’s dryer, or she needs him to take the kids, or they need to talk. At this point, chances are he is not going back to her, but their twisted, knotted, complex bond stands in the way of your happiness. 

For me, I did not have the maturity to see all of this at the time, nor did I have the maturity to handle it well. I became a wildly insecure, possessive, over reactive, over emotional wreck. It looked like jealousy, it felt like rage, but in actual fact, it was my gut telling me that he just wasn’t ready. He looked ready, he talked like he was ready, but his actions indicated he was not ready. I hung in there like a cat slipping down a fence, clinging on for dear life, but the price I paid emotionally was steep. I became a very small, scared, fearful person and it was not pretty. I am surprised my husband hung in there with this crazy woman, but maybe in truth, he was more focused on his own emotional hell.

Sometimes it is worth it. It was for me. If you are going to make the decision to be with a man in the Grey Area, be aware, be mature, be conscious and most of all back away. Had I known to back away, give him the space to process, give them the space to process, to let go, I could have saved myself a lot of pain of trying to force a man to be ready when clearly he was not. I also could have preserved my sanity and saved myself a lot of anguish. I know this because he is now ready. In retrospect, the difference in his behavior is stark. He is committed to me, he loves me, he adores me and he is no longer torn by the past. We are building our own memories and our own life together, that’s when you know he is ready.