urbanstepmom.com

Get them girls, I’m not messing around. If you are thinking about taking your relationship with you man and his kids (and their mother) to the next level, sit down and sharpen your pencil. I’m not talking about a pre nup, I’m talking about an upfront agreement about what you are and are not going to do as this man’s wife or partner. This may sound outrageously unromantic, especially in February, the month of  lovers, but you will save yourself years of weight gain, self loathing and martyrdom if you do this!

Sit down and think about all the things you love to do, the things that make you happy and write them down. For example, how often do you like to see your friends (for me, once a week, I need some female social interaction with good wine, ample appies and comfortable sofas). Are there specific TV shows that you insist on watching (don’t ever bug me on Monday’s between 8-10pm during the Bachellor). Do you need time away from the house to go workout every day? Do you need time alone in the house to clean or secretly eat chocolate? Do you need one big adventure trip without your man once every 5 years? Every year?

And what about the things that don’t make you happy? Like  household duties, how are they going to be divided? Just because you are the female, doesn’t mean all the laundry and toilet bowl cleaning and meal prep should fall to you, but it will if you don’t establish the rules up front. And what are the rules with the kids? What kind of house rules do you want? Are they allowed to sleep in your bed with you and your man? Are they allowed to kick you out of your bed in the middle of the night? Do they go to bed at a certain time? Will they have chores? How many times a week should you have dinner together as a family?

What about the ex? Is she allowed to come over? Is she allowed inside? Does she have a key to your house? Is she allowed in your hot tub? Will she be there on birthdays and joining you for turkey on Thanks Giving?

As for your man, will you have weekly date nights, trips together, new experiences, ten minutes at the end of the day to connect with out the sports high lights on?

And then there is what you need in your house. How about two sinks in the bathroom, two bathrooms, a bath tub, two TVs, two PVRs, your own space, room, wing? How does he feel about pillows and over stuffed sofas? What about closet space and drawers and lights beside the bed? How does he really feel about your mother’s artwork, her mother’s art work, her sister’s art work?

You might think I am being anally insane, and maybe I’ve gone overboard on this one because I did not have the slightest clue to even discuss these things with my husband before I moved in to his house. Instead, I did go through years of weight gain, self loathing and martydom, and it is a long road back to skinny, let me tell you.

You might want to keep the pre nup to the pen and paper, but please, sit down with your man in a very serious, yet loving manner and iron out a few of the details about the nuts and bolts of your relationship. And while you’re at it ask him how he feels about ironing!

As women who are successful in business we are used to negotiating a deal. No matter what we do for work, we know that the running of the business is the foundation of the business. Without a solid foundation, the business will not be successful. As an urban step mom, we have to take care of the foundation of this relationship and family in the same manner. Most women, even the super successful ones in business have a hard time wrapping their minds around this area of discussion with their partner. But the fact is, when the time comes to deal with these sorts of things, you better be smart about it.

The business elements of your arrangement that need to be confronted, discussed and dealt with are separation agreements and divorce papers between your partner and his ex, pre nups, Insurance policies, the Will, Beneficiary status, Medical benefits.

My advice is before you date, make sure your man is divorced. I am still shocked, at the number of women who date men who are not divorced. I am more shocked at the number of women who date men who have not done their separation agreement but that is another story. Men who are not yet divorced are not yet available. Sounds harsh, but when so many women have the same experience you can assume a trend. The fact is, if they are not divorced, they are not ready to be divorced and you have to ask why? The urban step mom is a smart cookie so she needs to trust her instincts on this one. If a man says he is not divorced because of the money, or the kids, or any other reason, he is not ready to be committed to you. He will still want to date you, but know that he is not available in the way that you think he is. If you are dating a man who is not divorced, you can expect to feel really uncomfortable and frustrated a lot of the time. You are ready for a relationship and he is not. That dynamic just simply leads to pain for the urban step mom.

Secondly, pre nups. Nothing sexy or romantic about pre nups but again, it is a matter of the urban step mom securing the foundation of her relationship. All is rosy in the beginning of any relationship and we can be so filled with glee that we have finally found our soul mate, we omit the step of taking care of ourselves financially. The time for this discussion is when you are discussing Cohabitation.

You need to find a lawyer to help you determine what you should put in your agreement and you need to be able to discuss it with your partner. You are entering into a business deal when you start to live with someone and if you have been working your whole life, met this man later in life, you have no kids, he has kids and an ex, you are going to want to make sure you are financially protected. You may be with a man that has oodles of money, even after paying his ex, but chances are that is not the case. A lot of women disagree with me on this one initially and then change their minds when they get into things a bit deeper and start to feel financially resentful.

The facts are you will need to live in a bigger house because of his kids and the cost of your life is going to go up regardless. How you split your daily/monthly expenses needs to be discussed in detail before you are living together as well as in the event you split. I go one step further and have my own bank account, my own financial planner and my own investments. Together we have a joint account for household costs and we share in the ownership of the house, but everything else is separate at this point. The pre nup was actually my husband’s idea, and at the time I resisted because I thought financially we were about on par. In retrospect, I am glad there is a pre nup because it gives me security if things don’t work out. We have it in a drawer somewhere and it is out of mind but there if we need it.

Next is Insurance, Wills, Beneficiaries. I was shocked a few months before I was about to have “the happiest day of my life” to learn my soon to be husband had not changed his Will, any insurance policies, medical papers or investments to reflect me as his beneficiary rather than his ex. As soon as I found that out, I knew I couldn’t marry him until all this business was taken care of. Was I expected to marry a man who if he died, all the money would go to his ex? Not in my world. Back to the lawyer we went to change the Will. We did both of our Wills, which obviously benefitted him and his kids so in the end he wasn’t too hard pressed to make the change, and we were able to walk down the aisle in peace.

His excuse for not changing her name on all the beneficiary documents and insurance was that he just hadn’t gotten around to it. Do not let this one fly urban step moms. Be smart. 

The other piece of business that I think is necessary for this union is a family therapist. Because this situation is ripe with potential conflict and land mines I highly suggest you keep a trusted family therapist on the payroll. When things get nasty or difficult, just go see the professional. Let them figure it out, give you tools and help you get past it. If he is a stubborn man like mine, and won’t go with you, go on your own. If you can learn some communication tools or at least have a professional to validate your feelings, that will help the relationship regardless.

So take care of the business aspects of your new family and be proactive about it.