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I haven’t quite figured this one out yet. How to have the most fun on a family vacation. At first the whole concept freaked me out. Go away on precious vacation time with the kids? Then I accepted that we would go away with the kids at least once a year for a week or so. Then  it seemed to become twice a year we would all go away as a family. And last year, I think all my holiday time was spent with my family.

This is a big adjustment for the urban step mom. She is used to doing whatever she wants on vacation. Maybe she throws on a backpack and travels Europe. Maybe she packs her bikini and her visa and heads to Cuba. When the urban step mom goes on vacation with the kids, it is not like any vacation she has ever gone on. For one thing, she usually has to cook. This can be a problem on many levels, namely that it is not a vacation if I am in the kitchen cooking and preparing meals the whole time. But what are you going to do, eat out with the kids three times a day? No. You are going to find a condo or some accommodation that has a kitchen so that you can all eat at least breakfast and maybe pack a lunch.

Secondly, what do you do on vacation with kids? This was tough for me to get my head around. Having twin boys, they are all action all the time. They do not get tired. You can play tennis, go snorkeling, swim in the pool all day long and they do not seem to tire. For me on vacation, I wanted to sleep in, go to the spa, eat in nice restaurants and do as little as possible. This was a giant conflict with what they wanted. The three of them were out living a TSN moment of football, soccer, tennis, races, while I wanted to read a good book.

What wound up happening was they would go with their dad on daily adventure challenges and I would go to the spa, go for a run, sit by the pool. We would reconvene at some point and swap stories. But this did not work that well. They were not interested in my stories and I was not really interested in theirs. I felt left out, alone and  lonely and wondered why I was there. 

We tried going away with other families. In concept, this is a great idea. The kids ideally all play together and the adults do their thing together. For the most part, I found this way more manageable and enjoyable. I could go to the spa or go for a run or go to the pool with companionship and adult company. The kids would be super happy playing with their friends and the adults would be happy too. The only trick to this scenario is you have to find the right families where the kids all get along and the parents all get along. You also have to figure out accommodation so that everyone has enough space.

I’ve only made progress recently with family vacations and I think the success falls to a few tips. First and foremost there has to be balance. What I mean by this is two fold. First, you have to have a balance of vacations with the kids and with your husband. If you have joint custody especially, you have the time to go away with your husband and or other adults so that you get your adult needs filled. Then when you go away with the kids, you can focus more on them and enjoy them rather than feel like you need a separate vacation from them.

Secondly, while you are on vacation with the kids, it is important to balance your time with them, and with your husband, and alone if you feel the need. It is very important to everyone that you enjoy your time with the kids. Do the things that they like to do. One of my fondest memories of Mauii earlier in the year was when my husband and I each took a twin by the hand and let them experience snorkeling for the first time. Sharing the captivating sights of the fish together was unforgettable. I also taught them how to body surf and we all enjoyed riding the waves together. Another time, we were all together and the kids asked me if I’d like to play hide and seek with them. At first I politely declined, thinking no way in hell am I playing hide and seek, but they persevered and next thing you know I am playing hide and seek. To this day, it was some of the best fun I have ever had. It was exhilarating. I felt the rush of hiding and the thrill of seeking! I have now learned when you do things together, you have lots to talk about over dinner, and for years to come.

I also recommend a couple of nights together with your man on these family vacations. This may or may not be possible (it has yet to happen for me, but many of my urban step mom friends seem to make this happen and it sounds like a great idea) but most resorts have babysitting services and a night or two away can do you both a lot of good towards reconnecting as a couple. I still might sneak away for the odd spa service or dive into a book for a few hours but most of my time is spent with the kids and we all are starting to have a lot of fun together.