urbanstepmom.com

I spent the better part of my Saturday night with my husband’s ex while we watched one of “our” son’s hockey games. We were so engrossed in conversation we missed his first goal. 

I always find it amusing the way that other parents react when we sit together and engage. Because of schedules we are often not at games together, but when we are we are now at the point where we tend to sit together and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. You can usually see the shock on people’s faces when this happens. It is just not the norm that the mom and the step mom interact without awkwardness. We are getting to know each other and we are starting to like each other.

“Like” is a strong word, and it wasn’t always the case. There was always civility and being polite, but there was a lot of tension and discomfort to say the least. But after five years of both of us doing separate, deliberate, focused work on ourselves, we have come a long way. 

It is work, we both agree, to deal with everything that comes up in dealing with each other, as women, as mothers, as  spiritual beings on our own journeys. It is work, but it is an opportunity to grow as humans. To “shed our shit” so to speak.

She wouldn’t have been a person I would have sought out to befriend. In many ways she is the opposite of me. I would describe her as a free spirit, a quality that has always intrigued, yet alluded me.  I have been driven my whole life to “be something” (also an alluding quest), while she has focussed on accepting herself and taking on as much in life as she is comfortable.

Although our lifestyles are very different and in some ways our values, we share many experiences and in fact have a great deal in common. Of course we have shared the same man, which is where a lot of the problems and threatening behavior is born between the ex and the urban step mom. We are both “mothers” to the same boys, another land mine for two women. And we both acknowledge that this ride is an intense personal growth boot camp, which we both seem to be up for!  

I find that I can share things with her that I can’t share with other girlfriends. I still feel a judgement  that my experience doesn’t count even from my closest friends when I weigh in on parenting issues. But with the boys’ mother, the experience is the same and that cannot be de valued. Whether it is their rules of snuggle time or a sudden stage of obstinacy, it is exactly the same experience for the both of us. They seem to treat us both the same. We can then share the best way to handle this, how it feels and further talk about the nuances of their developing personalities.

When people ask me, shocked at our ability to relate, how we do it, I have to say the secret is we both recognize the importance of  getting over it, dealing with it, letting it go and getting on with life. We recognize that we do not want to be carrying feelings of anger, animosity, control, fear around with us. 

I credit her. She has embraced the fact that her precious sons share a maternal bond with another woman and she has decided to look at this as a healthy, positive experience in their lives. She has expressed that she is grateful for me in their lives, or at least that she is grateful for how much I love and adore them. She decided that she did not want to fight “what is”. I decided I did not want to go through the rest of my life feeling jealous and threatened. We both just let it go. A simple, but not easy task. It took five years.

One of the things I know for sure about being an urban step mom, is life is full of surprises and this Thanksgiving was no exception. I received an extraordinary email from my husband’s ex, thanking me for all my efforts and contributions with the boys. She went on to admire and respect me for accomplishing so much in my life, and even offered to help me in any way should I ever need it. This is not the sort of email that is common for the urban step mom to receive from the ex, but it sets the bar for behavior that puts the children first and allows all the parents to work harmoniously together. She is living proof that when you put the children first and set the intention of gratitude, life is happier for all. What a beautiful gift her email gave to our whole family.

But let’s face it, no urban step mom I know likes to have her man’s ex in the picture on a daily basis. It could be the single most difficult aspect of this scenario to handle. Even the most grounded, mature and enlightened of us has pangs of jealousy, insecurity and fear around this other woman’s presence in our man’s life. My advice on this topic as someone who has really struggled (just ask my husband) with this is be compassionate.  This is one of the key lessons you will learn to make your life easier and grow as a human being. Just imagine how she feels. There is a new woman taking care of her kids. There is a new woman making a “family” out of her ex family. Someone recently asked me who I thought had it harder, the mom or the step mom. It is hard on both women but as the step mom, you have to have compassion for what she is going through as a mother. Once you have compassion for her, that dilutes all the insecurities you may feel.

Another trick I have for coping with this is I try to practice acceptance. I accept, rather than resist that my husband has a relationship with his ex and there is considerable dialogue and interaction they have to have in order to successfully co parent. As a matter of fact, the more friendly their relationship, the better it is for the kids and for everyone else involved.

Something else I’ve learned is to back off. In the beginning, I wanted to be a part of everything, know exactly what was going on between them, what the conversations were about, what the issues were, what was happening. In addition to driving me crazy, this incessant questioning was having a negative affect on my relationship. Once I backed off,  stayed out of it, and let them work things out that needed working out, I felt less stressed and my relationship was more harmonious.

I’ve learned to back off with the kids as well. I became very aware that the children were uncomfortable when someone thought I was their mother, or they felt forced to do something for me for mother’s day. With the advice of a friend, I came up with a new name for myself, “Goose” (short for Mother Goose, truth be told) which morphed into “Goosie”,  by the boys. I am very upfront with them and anyone else I meet that I am not their mother, and this seems to make them relieved, less threatened and more comfortable.

I also let their mother know that I know that I am not their mother when she generously suggested I be called “bonus mom”. I said, they have a mother, they have a great mother, and it just confuses them to have another one. I think on some level she might have been relieved that I was not competing for her role and she even went so far as to suggest that we create a “Goose Day” for me which was a plan that everyone embraced!

So, expect surprises, be compassionate, accepting and back off. Those, along with be open to growing are my key tips for dealing with the ex.