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I went into this first Spring long weekend feeling depressed. I thought, Life Sucks. The boys were in an all weekend ice hockey tournament and most of their game times ran in the evenings as well as the daytime. It was a weekend that should have been spent in the garden, with friends and enjoying life outdoors.

It made matters worse as I waited for the boys to get ready for their first game on Friday night that I could hear the glorious sounds of my neighbors welcoming friends, pouring wine and firing up their bbqs. I felt sick with envy.

Eventually, I was forced to grab my down coat, gloves and scarf and pile into the car to head to the rink. I experienced three more nights like this on this long weekend while my friends and neighbors entertained people and enjoyed the beauty of Spring but I also experienced some real pleasure and joy of my own.

I decided that rather than be miserable (and freezing) I would balance my weekend with my own needs, taking care of the family and enjoying the boys’ hockey games.

For starters, I took my book to the rink. There is always a period of 45 minutes to an hour to wait until each game, so I sat in the car, read my book in peace and quiet. It was lovely. How often do I get an uninterrupted hour to myself?

Second, I decided to not go to every game. More or less, I went to every second game which meant I could get my exercise in, my gardening and my meal preparation for when they came home hungry and tired. I went to yoga, rode my bike, took a golf lesson. I felt strong and calm when  they came home and happy to take care of them and feed them nourishing meals.

Third, I realized the games were very exciting, my stepsons were stars and I met and enjoyed some very interesting parents. I couldn’t help but feel I was part of something communal and fun with all these families. And there is something very bonding about being at the rink at 10 pm with a bunch of tired parents and spent kids. It didn’t hurt that we won the Cup and everyone felt like champions.

And last, I actually enjoyed the break from drinking wine and eating to excess on the weekend. Meals were on the fly, socializing was in the bleachers and  wine was not an option. I liked the break.

Here is the lesson: prioritize yourself. I used to feel I had to go to every game and had to prepare all the meals and manage all the clean up. That just led to resentment (and envying the neighbors). Then I’d feel guilty about not going to all the games and guilty about not making all the meals. This weekend, I did what I wanted. My priorities were exercise, gardening, cooking and watching the boys. Once I  got my exercise done and my planting, I felt great about cooking and watching the boys.

Once I got my exercise done and my gardening, it freed me up to enjoy cooking, feeding and being part of their sporting event. I’ve said it twice. Get it? Prioritize Yourself.

And now, it is all over. We won the Cup. I was there for the final game, I met some great people and had a great weekend. My husband is cooking the Victory dinner as we speak.  Life is good. 

I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to figure out this balance, but I am grateful that this weekend anyway, I was successful.

How do you figure out your balance?

Well I did it. I took a huge leap in my marriage and step family and did something entirely for myself. I planned, booked and executed a trip to Central America with a girl friend. Yes you heard me right. It was a trip sans husband, step kids, pets, work and most of all schedules. It was a trip designed for relaxation and rejuvenation of the soul. It was a trip designed 100% for me.  Grant it, when I booked the trip my husband didn’t have any holiday time left for the year, and I could only assume he would have no desire to practice yoga on the beaches of Costa Rica. So I felt somewhat justified in my selfish act of independence.

It wasn’t until I was met with resistance, that the initial guilt started setting in. But I forged through my second thoughts and took myself on a schedule free adventure. 

Sometimes, your dreams are met with resistance by people that love you. I think they feel afraid that they will be left behind or not included or drastic change will ensue. But I have come to the conclusion that dreams should be tightly held an pursued at all costs, and sometimes they are meant to be done alone. The truth is, I put most of my dreams on hold for the past five years, since I met my husband as we focused on following his dreams of raising wonderful boys. This seemed far more urgent and fateful, not to mention entirely time consuming and overwhelming.

In those five years of  focusing on raising the boys, I was also dealing with losing my career and re inventing myself, marriage for the first time in my mid 40s, running a house and juggling the whole shebang, all the while trying to maintain some degree of mental and emotional stability. It would be fair to say, I was a wreck!

But five years passed and a few of my old dreams started to gnaw away at my soul to the point that it seemed to make sense to acknowledge them, and in this case, follow them. Why not? I thought. I figured time away from loved ones is always good isn’t it? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, don’t they say that? I would be doing something that would strengthen my sense of self, as traveling to foreign countries always does and I would have lots of stories and tales to tell upon my return.

I kept in the best contact I could given that I was in third world countries and at the whim of those with internet. And I took lots of photos to walk them through my adventures when I got home. 

But back to the resistance I felt, especially weeks before I left,  I can only blame myself. It isn’t his fault he had the expectation that he and the kids are the only thing in my life. After all I did throw myself into his life with his kids from the very beginning. I was the one who offered to buy all the groceries, make all the meals, provide a warm and loving (and clean) home. I did offer to pay 50% per cent of everything and be financially independent. And I too was the one that often jimmied my schedule to fit his and the boys’ needs. So I can see how he thought there is no way I would leave the three of them for 10 days on a purely self-serving vacation to the jungles of Nicaragua and Costa Rica.

But  I went. I went with my girlfriend (also an urban step mom to four grown kids) and we laughed a lot. We took surf lessons in Costa Rica, rode horseback across empty gorgeous beaches in Nicaragua. I reconnected with a very dear friend who has taken up residency there, and most of all I followed the desires of my soul. While enjoying my independence, I imagined how my husband and the boys would enjoy this experience and where we could all go as a family next time. They were always in my heart. After all, my soul loves them too.

I came home to a house filled with flowers, homemade cards, a special dinner and all the love a girl could imagine. I had missed them, I was so happy to be home, and I had given my soul a wonderful treat. It has been about a month that I have been home now and  the dynamic of my marriage and my life has changed for the better as a result. Household chores get done without me.  Dinner gets made and dishes get done. Groceries are in the fridge and toilet rolls have been changed. I think my husband and step sons have a new appreciation for me, a new interest in me as this woman who has gone traveling and had new experiences. They have a greater insight into the  complete picture of who I am, and who I was before I devoted myself to them.

As for me, I have a new appreciation for my  family. I love my life. I appreciate all of them. I came to the realization that I shouldn’t have to go away for 10 days to remember who I am. I need to take more time for my life and to bring the kids and my husband more into my life and my dreams and let them experience some of the things that I love to do. Taking them all to the jungles of Nicaragua might be a stretch for our first adventure, but maybe  I could pack them all up and go do something that they would never do, that I used to do all the time. It could be good fun for all of us.

This “step of independence” has strengthened my marriage and made me a better step mom.  It is a platform for me and my husband to sit down and talk more about our dreams together, to ask ourselves, what kind of a life do we want together, and as a family. What sorts of things to we want to “do before we die”, sorts of conversations. He too has been inspired to ask himself the same questions. He’s been immersed in raising the kids and his own turmoil of the last five years. It is a calling for him as well to stop the treadmill and look within at what his dreams are. He also realizes he wants to know what my dreams are and to be a companion with me in fulfilling them. This is a huge step in the right direction for which I am infinitely grateful.

So try to remember your dreams before you answered this very special calling to be a step mom, and figure out if there is a way to pursue them. You don’t have to do them alone or without your husband, but don’t be afraid to be yourself, explore yourself, follow your soul. Because when you do, everyone wins.

This may be a contentious issue, but I have learned that if you don’t take care of yourself in this scenario, you will wake up one day and wonder where you have gone.

I know so many formerly fabulous, dynamic, amazing women who meet a man with kids and disappear.  You never see them again. They are no longer at the gym or at yoga. They are no longer at their job. They are no longer walking their dog near their house because they are basically living at his house. They are no longer getting pedicures. And they are no longer meeting you for mid week crantinies.

It is all consuming, overwhelming, depressing, frustrating, challenging and exhausting to date a man with kids, believe me I know, but if you give up your life to live his, you will wind up, in a word, screwed.

I know because I did this. I quit my well paying job to date him. I stopped going to the gym, stopped going to yoga and stopped seeing friends. And then one day, years later as someone was yanking on my sheets way too early in the morning to make them breakfast, I decided this sucks. I got myself back to the gym and started to re build my life. It did not go altogether smoothly because I had laid the groundwork that I was one hundred per cent available to take care of them and spend time with them, so the shock of me doing my own thing from time to time made them all a bit uncomfortable. But I realized that I had put on ten pounds and was depressed and had to take care of myself if I was going to stay in this relationship. I also justified that if I couldn’t be myself, and live my life and have this relationship, then maybe it wasn’t the right relationship for me. I knew I had to find out. I started to re build my life. I got my career back on track, made plans with girlfriends (for those mid week Crantinis), focused on my fitness and health, set some personal goals and I was delighted to see myself again. And after the initial rockiness of the relationship, my husband and the boys were happy that I was so happy again.

The reason you need to keep your routines, your friends and your life is because it is the only way to sustain the demands on you as a step mom. If you get up and go to yoga in the morning and immerse yourself in your time, you might miss their first soccer game, but you will be happy to make them some lunch, go to the park with them and hang out with them. By taking care of yourself first, you ward off any resentment you might be building towards them, which of course is better for everyone involved. 
This is advice for women dating, co-habitating or married to men with kids. You don’t have your own kids and in order to love and care for them to the best of your ability you have to be healthy, fresh and strong. My advice for women who just meet men with kids is go as slow as you can. Keep your job, keep your condo, keep your plans, keep your friendships, keep your bank account, keep your pets, keep your life for as long as you can. Once you make that commitment to live together or get married, there are even more expectations, compromises and responsibilities and you better hope that you have trained him and his kids into knowing that you come first for you.

I had one urban step mom I know make all the mistakes that I made and her man suddenly broke up with her. She was devastated and asked why? He said he felt she was too dependent on him. After her initial feelings of devastation, she got angry. “But I gave him everything I had, I did everything I could”, she said. And that was the problem. Don’t forget, the man fell in love with the amazing woman you were. If you change to try and be everything you think you should be for him, you are no longer the woman he fell in love with.

 Do it for yourself, and in doing so, you will be doing it for him and for the kids. It is a very simple truth, that if you are happy, they are happy too.