urbanstepmom.com

I took my husband out for his birthday dinner last night to a high end trendy Indian restaurant. We drank a bottle of wine, laughed, told stories about our lives and gushed about how much we love each other.

I’m not saying this was a first, but it was close.

Not the going for nice dinners together, we have always enjoyed good food and wine and a great atmosphere. What was unusual is that we didn’t fight. No one shut down, sulked, or stormed out. We actually had a great time.

We have a very loving relationship but without fail whenever we went out for a nice dinner, it ended badly. It seemed the more expensive the restaurant, the bigger the fight. And we could never figure out why.

So what was different?

We were standing at the bar having a glass of wine waiting for a table and my husband who was being relaxed and conversational, said to me, “you know, you have really grown”. 

“What?” I said, slightly taken aback.

“That Don’t Take it Personally thing that you are doing is really making a difference in our relationship” he says.

He went on to say “we’ve been out for a few nice dinners and we haven’t fought. I think it is because of you”.

I thought about it for a minute and he was dead on. Not that I’m big enough to take all the responsibility for our penchant for public drama but I realized that when I choose to not take things personally I am more in control of my emotions and I can control how I react. It is empowering. I can choose indigestion, or I can choose to enjoy a glass of  Malbec and samosas with my husband.

The choice seems easy now. He gently pointed out that I had been misinterpreting, or at least negatively interpreting his intentions, and with that little party crasher gone, we are free to have a fun night out and enjoy each other’s company.

This little skill I’ve learned after 35 days of practicing “the 40 day challenge” to not take things personally that Peggy put out there from http://thestepmomstoolbox.com has literally transformed not only my dinners out, but my relationship with my husband.

I hadn’t really thought about it, but we fight less all around. There is less drama in our lives. Okay, I am less dramatic, I’ll admit. When we do fight, I am able to see that I am taking something personally, and in that moment, I can shift.

Whahoo!, I have the power to shift where the conversation goes. I have the power to say, this is my stuff, or that is your stuff and react accordingly and calmly. What happens when I do this is it opens up a world of possibility of how we can be together. Without the constant conflict, we have a more relaxed relationship, easier, lighter, more fun. 

 I hadn’t realized how my negative interpretations had been affecting my husband and our relationship. I had only been thinking how hurt I am. I had only been thinking about my self.

I hadn’t anticipated how much easier not taking it personally would make my life and how much more loving it would make my marriage. What a great lesson indeed.

I didn’t see this coming. When I took on this 40 Day Challenge (thanks again Peggy from http://thestepmomstoolbox.com), I thought I would see how often I take things personally, how hard these guys are on me,  and how mean they are to me. I thought I would feel more justified about complaining and feeling sorry for myself.

Then, as referenced in my last blog, I had a big Ah Ha moment where I realized that all this negative interpretation is based on not loving myself and feeling like I didn’t deserve to be loved. I found that phase of the process rather overwhelming and discouraging. I had a long way to go, I thought.

But I continued on my daily journey and popped out of the chute in a brand new phase. And I like this one.

I am quite surprised to have emerged after 28 days feeling very non-victimey (I know that isn’t a word yet). In fact, I feel stronger, more confident and I have more energy.

What I realized I was doing was every time someone said something that hurt my feelings I immediately owned it. I wore their words like a big grey heavy cloak. For a girl that should never wear grey, this fashion statement did nothing for me. I assumed, after many years of training, that if they say something bad about me, it must be true. And if it’s true, wow, what a loser I am; no one loves me, I am unlovable and heck, I should just live alone in an igloo in Alaska and spare the world from my eternal badness.

A little overly dramatic, yes, but the point is that it is somewhat ridiculous and self centered I may add (thank you Don Miguel Ruiz) to take everything people say to me or about me as the truth about me, or even about me at all. Frankly for the amount that I was taking personally I should have been pasted to the floor in a heap of self induced depression. It is shocking I have still managed to be a functioning human being while wearing that grey cloak everywhere I went.

So when I got it, that it isn’t about me, it is about them, that gave me a great deal of freedom. Knowing that I’m not those things that they said or I interpreted them saying, means that I get to be someone else. Someone who perhaps wears a tailored hot pink coat that ties at the waist. Maybe with a matching bag and shoes. Why not? Choosing the hot pink over the grey makes  me feel stronger and more confident. I feel centered in the face of other people’s pain, yet somehow more compassionate. I feel lighter.

Also, from a time management perspective the shift enhances efficiencies. I all of a sudden have more time on my hands because I’m not dwelling on negative self beliefs. I have more energy for the good stuff like laughing and joking and tickling the twins.

I’m sure like anything else along the self mastery lines, not taking things personally is a life lesson and needs to be constantly reinforced and practiced just like positive thinking.  It is like a muscle that needs to be worked on a daily basis that eventually gets stronger and stronger.

I still have 12 days left in this process, and I can’t wait to see what comes next.

As you know from my previous post, I agreed to do the 40 Day Challenge to Not Take it Personally thanks to Peggy from thestepmomstoolbox.com. And as you know on day 3, I wanted to quit. I really did want to. I thought, this is stupid and depressing, I need therapy for how much I take personally. Today is day 13 and I am not only hanging in there, but I had an Ah Ha Moment which will change the way I look at my life.

You know how if you give up chocolate, all you can think about is chocolate right? You see it, smell it, hear it calling your name all the time. Same thing with this Challenge. I have become really conscious of how often my feelings are hurt. One day, my husband told one of my step sons to go snuggle me on the couch. I was feeling sick and didn’t want to be “bugged” by a nine year old who I thought was playing a game with his dad to get on my nerves ( a common game they like to play). And so, I rejected his snuggle.

When I went to tuck him in later he asked me sincerely, why I rejected him when he came to snuggle me. I defensively responded that I don’t like it when they do things just because their dad tells them to, like snuggling me or telling me they love me. As soon as I blurted it out, I regretted it. The nine year old was perplexed, “why would I not want to snuggle you?” he asked me. The other nine year old, from the bottom bunk piped up “why do you think we don’t love you?” equally shocked.

Enter my Ah Ha moment.

Now I was feeling like the child. I felt mortified, revealed and extremely vulnerable that they witnessed a window into my fragile, broken heart. And they wanted answers. How could I explain to them that deep down, I didn’t think they loved me. That I thought they did things and said things because their dad told them to. That every time they say they love me I don’t believe it. I couldn’t. I muttered something about how sorry I was that I misunderstood the snuggle opportunity and that it won’t happen again. I kissed them good night and I hastily fled their room.

 As casually as I could, I went into my own room, closed the door, flopped on the bed and started sobbing into a pillow. They love me? Are you kidding me? All these years I thought I didn’t matter to them, they don’t care about me, they want their mom back, and it turns out they actually love me? I was mixed with overwhelming feelings of wasted time (on feeling sorry for myself and always feeling hurt), and of acceptance of love from them.

And that’s when it hit me, the reason I am always feeling hurt and taking things personally is because deep down I think they don’t love me. And I was wrong. So then that got me thinking what would I be like, and what would my life be like if I accepted that my step sons love me? How would I act differently, how would I feel differently? How would things change? 

I also asked myself, 13 days of incidents when I took it personally, was it really personal? Or did I maybe project that they don’t love me and interpret things in a negative way? (that is now rhetorical). When I told my dear husband about my Ah Ha moment, he asked me in his ever probing way, “do you think you love yourself?” I may have the answer for that on Day 40, but at this point, I am still trying to process that I am loved at home.

I like a challenge, and I like to grow. I like to push myself and I like to come out the other side victorious. I set goals and I set out to achieve them. I also know myself well enough to know that when I commit to something, at some point, I will want to quit. 

This recent challenge to blog, twitter or journal about “Don’t Take It Personally” that www.thestepmomstoolbox.com put out there, is no exception. I committed to twittering every day on things I will not take personally. I got to Day 3 and I realized I had lots that I take personally. I thought I would find it very challenging to Twitter about something every day that hurt my feelings. Uh, no. I have the opposite problem. I am having a hard time picking  just one thing that hurts my feelings in a day. On day 3, I wanted to quit. See,  this is who I am. I want to quit, but I won’t.

I want to quit because it is depressing that I have hurt feelings every day as a step mom. I wasn’t aware of that fact. Am I really that sensitive? Are they really that mean to me? Do they have any idea how much they hurt my feelings? But I am not quitting, I am still here, (probably depressing my Twitter friends), still challenging myself. 40 days is a long time to stick to something. It is a long time to become aware of something that is painful. But I think there is something here for me to learn and grow, so I am going to stick to it, and I’m going to blog when I feel like I have learned something about myself, that might help you.

Maybe at the end of this, I won’t take it personally as much as a step mom. Maybe I will have grown and strengthened and achieved the mastery to look at life a little differently. Maybe I’ll have an Ah Ha moment and the angels will sing and life will be easier, more joyful with my little family. Maybe I will see that I take things personally on a regular basis in the rest of my life too. And maybe I will be free of that and will achieve great things in my life as a result, not wasting time with hurt feelings. Maybe.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to  track the little things that niggle at the cracks in my heart.  I am going to journal about what might be behind it. I am going to have the guts to look at it, and the guts to let it go. Maybe I’ll have the guts to take my relationship with my husband and my step sons to the next level of love and trust. Maybe.

The beauty of a challenge like this is you don’t know where it will all lead, but it is always worth the journey. I challenge you to join me, in the 40 day Don’t Take It Personally Challenge and we will all learn and grow together. We will not quit, together.

Thanks to Peggy at  www.thestepmomstoolbox.com for the challenge. You could have a huge positive impact on a lot of step moms on the continent.

I’m Catholic, so I pray a lot. I’m actually what my friend calls a “Recovering Catholic”, but either way, I do consult and beg the Big Guy for guidance and strength on a regular basis. And I do believe my prayers are for the most part answered, although, not always in the most timely fashion. But eventually things seem to work themselves out. I also read a lot of empowering books, talk to a lot of empowering people and go to the odd empowering seminar. When I get into real trouble, I just go see my shrink. 

What I’m saying is you have to have a team of spiritual guides, resources and outlets to help you through this path of being with a man with kids. Just as you have to have a sense of knowing that this man is for you for the long haul, you have to have a sense that you are right where you are supposed to be in your life. You have to believe that there is a higher purpose to small children telling you that you are not their mother, and ex’s ruining your date night. What that higher purpose is, we do not yet know. Urban step mothers that are well into their step-hood agree that there is a higher purpose to it all. Things become much clearer ten and twenty years in (if you can survive this long). In order to have that faith, in my case anyway, I surround myself with  books, cds, seminars and people who believe the same thing and are way more spiritually advanced than me.

How you think makes a huge difference in the outcome of your life. And as an urban step mom, you have the choice of living in urban step madness, or or urban step happiness based on how you decide to look at things. A far more evolved urban step mom than me has taught me a lot about this. She would say things like, “lean into it, accept it, adjust your expectations, look at the positives, take the high road, just breathe”. And although basic, this advice is crucial.

If you look at most websites, blogs or books on step-hood, the step mom is often complaining. She is prone to resentment, bitterness and misery. She can often be heard saying “what about me?”. And it is true. There are a lot of things that a girl could complain about in this situation. But where does that get us? Are we growing as people? Are we leading happy, dynamic incredible lives? Are we helping anyone by taking this perspective? Are we good role models for the children?

What if you look at things philosophically? What if you are open to growing as a human being and you decide you are meant to be with this man for reasons of your spiritual growth?  Or what if these children have come into your life to teach you something? Or what if  you are exactly where you are supposed to be in life? Wouldn’t that at the very least make you feel better in the moment?

What if you look at things positively? Not to sound too much like Pollyanna, but you do have a choice between looking at things positively and negatively. For example, whenever we have the kids, my husband takes them off to hockey games, golf games, outside to throw the football, kick the ball around or whatever. Sometimes I want to go, but sometimes I don’t. I could look at it in all kinds of negative ways like “they always leave me alone, I feel left out, I don’t belong, I am excluded, we never get to do what I want to do”, which is a state of mind I used to often find myself stuck in. Or I could look at it more positively and in an effort to  be a happier person, I think, “great, I have the house to myself, I can focus on my own projects, I can go see some friends, I can enjoy a hot bath, I can luxuriate in my own space.”  The truth is if you believe that you are right where you are meant to be, then you are forced to look for the good, and there is always good in every situation if you are open to looking for it.

And start with yourself. Look at you. You are doing what a lot of women would never and could never do. You are sharing their man with his ex and his kids. You are taking care of, nurturing and doing the best you can with kids that are not your own. You are dealing with lots of emotions and anxieties of all parties involved. You are having to put yourself aside to take care of these people (although, you are making sure you take care of yourself first). You are amazing! You are phenomenal! You are strong and capable and determined. You have patience, wisdom, diplomacy and calm. You are the mothership of this dynamic. They all rely on you for your steadiness,  consistency and rationality whether you know it or not.

My husband says I am the glue of the family and they would be lost without me. How’s that for an important role? You can’t diminish your contribution and your efforts even if like me you have made a lot of mistakes along the way.

One of my biggest mistakes, or regrets I should say, is that I would never snuggle in the mornings when the twins climbed into bed with us. For some twisted reason, I felt this was their time with their dad and I should get out of the bed and go make coffee or something. Truthfully, because I had no experience with kids I was a little freaked out at the prospect of snuggling one of them and drifting back to sleep. This is a concept that parents and kids are used to but urban step moms are not. Remember us urban step moms usually come with the odd intimacy issue. Anyway, as the years passed and this became my exit routine in the morning, they started to get more vocal about their emotions and understandings. One day, one of them asked me, Lis, how come you never stay and snuggle us in the morning? What? I thought! You mean you want me to snuggle you in the morning? I asked. Yes, he said, of course.

This was quite the shock to me, that for years I thought I wasn’t wanted when really they did want me. Now that they are older they don’t come in and snuggle in the mornings that much and I am usually legitimately up earlier than them, but we have created our own tradition. Now at night time, I read them a book and I snuggle with each one before they go to sleep. I know I am wanted because they always beg me to stay for “five more minutes pleasssse”. Had I believed that I was wanted and important from the very beginning, I could have saved myself a lot of money on white wine, therapy and klenex to wipe away my tears. I also would have received lots more snuggles over the years!

Force yourself to look on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. There are countless examples of how we think things are one way and really they are not. So why not believe in the theory that makes you the happiest. For again, if you are happy, chances are your man and his kids will also be happy and that’s a win win for everyone. If you are having trouble (and we all have our moments) have people you can call, books you can read or CDs you can watch to make you feel gratitude and fortitude again. They are all out there, just waiting for you to find them.