urbanstepmom.com

To say that “things always get better as a stepmom” is a sweeping generalization. But if you hang in there for long enough the generalization proves true. It is a reverse relationship when you are dating or marrying a man with kids. At first, it is hell, confusing, frustrating and a huge adjustment. But as time goes on, and everyone settles down, things become dare I say, “normal”. Well, maybe not normal, but as close as we are going to come as stepmoms. 

I can look at my relationship with my husband, his kids, his ex, and my self, and with each person, it started rocky and scary and after six years, a calm has set in.

With my husband for example, we used to fight a lot. I was scared, my ego was freaking out, and we were both thrown into (by our own choice) a situation we had no experience with. As for the kids, they used to be small aliens to me. I did not want to touch them or interact with them, not knowing what they might do. And adjusting to having my man’s ex in my life every day was enough to send me crawling to the cookie jar on a regular basis. As for myself, I now have a renewed sense of trust and strength in myself that I did not have before and did not know I possessed.

Granted, things didn’t start to get significantly better until five years in, and I’ve heard the experts say, things really calm down after seven years, but it is worth the wait if you can be open to what is in store. A lot of cookies, chocolate and wine are consumed in those five years so make sure you find  an exercise program and strap in!

I always had a sense of hope that things would get better but there have been a lot of significant events that I never could have dreamed.

For example, I never would have expected that the boys, now ten, would insist on snuggles by me at bedtime. Nor would I have expected them to tell me they love me. 

If you told me that I would look forward to my “bench time” at the hockey rink or the soccer field with my husband’s ex, I would have laughed at you five years ago.

And if you said you will laugh yourself silly with him and he’ll be your best friend, about my husband, I never would have believed that either. (There is not a lot of laughing in those early years).

Nor would I have believed that I could have found the strength to be open to learning and growing in this situation. But I did that too.

It takes trust, and a serious commitment to letting go. If you can let go of what you think you want, and what you think you know, and are open to what might be, and what is, it is guaranteed to  get better. Imagine knowing that life gets better and better and better. More love, more laughter, more joy, more depth of understanding, more compassion, more connection.

If you trust that things will get better if you hang in there, they will. Simply hanging in, is sometimes all you have to do. And some days, it is all you can do.

Let me know if this has been your experience too.

To say that everything changes for the urban step mom in five, ten, fifteen or twenty years is an understatement. Typically, when you meet a man you go through the Honeymoon phase for three months to a year. You may  go through the Honeymoon phase with your new man, but it usually takes three days to a week before the romance side of the relationship blows up and the reality of the situation takes over. (I exaggerate to make a point). The flowers stop blooming and the birds stop singing when the kids meet you and they clearly hate you, the ex finds out there is another woman and she is not pleased or the urban step mom steps into a situation that is so demanding, confusing and frustrating that she winds up sobbing on the bathroom floor. The romantic bubble is burst and you are in survival mode. You frantically call your girlfriends for sympathetic ear-fulls, you need time alone, you question whether you can even make this work.

Many of us bail at this point, and if the situation is really bad you do need to consider if this is an option. But if you choose to hang in there and look at every day as a new day, I guarantee things get better.  Let’s go back just one step here, if you are dating a man with kids and you have not met his kids or his ex does not know about you, you are not yet in a serious relationship with this man. The reason being is you have to see how you all are going to handle the shit hitting the proverbial fan, and that is meeting the kids, being part of their lives and being outed to the ex. Once all this happens you are in the fire and you have to see if you can take the heat.

I am not advocating to rush the relationship or the process. I do not encourage rushing. I do encourage going as slow as you can for as long as you can, but as a cautionary word, know that you are living in a bit of a fantasy land with your man until everything is on the table.

Once you are standing naked in the fire that is his life, take heed in knowing the longer you stand there, the better things  get. But I am talking in five year increments so be prepared,  it is very hot for a long time.

The reason being is it takes a long time for the kids, the ex and the rest of the world to get used to this new reality. And while they are all getting used to it, it can be a very painful experience for you.

I remember when I first met my husband, all his friends had loved his ex and were shocked that they had split up and he had taken up with me. Rather than blame him or accept the situation, they blamed me. I had always been the sort of new girlfriend that all my boyfriends’ friends and family loved, so I was shocked at the chilly response I was  getting. Early on in our relationship, we had a house party and one of my boyfriend’s friends mother was there. She had a few glasses of wine and made no bones about letting me know she loved his ex, and under no circumstances would she ever accept me. She even called me a “piece of tail”, which at 40 something (and several years older than his ex) I found strangely humorous and flattering, albeit hurtful.

It didn’t stop there. Many of his friends were unwelcoming of the new woman. His ex was certainly shocked that he had met someone new so soon after their split and had a hard time accepting it. And the kids, even though they were only four years old were visibly confused by the separate houses and lives of their parents and this new woman that always seemed to be around.

In my world, my friends and family were thrilled I had met someone and were extremely welcoming of him. His world was a completely different story. Nothing could prepare me for being stigmatized the “other woman” even though we got together after their split. In my heart I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but his world and many new people we met seemed to think I did. At one point, I even rationalized that maybe if I left the relationship, they could get back together and I could get on with my life thinking I was a good person. My husband thought I was nuts for this train of thought, but I must confess to having it on more than one occasion early on in the relationship. I just did not think I was strong enough to handle all the judgement and rejection. 

Another judgement I felt early on was by other women who were married moms who tried to make me feel inadequate for not having my own kids. One friend of my husbands came right out with it one night at a dinner party and said, what could you possibly know about kids or commitment? Mortified, I must have turned six shades of red, muttered something incomprehensible, gulped wine and wanted to shrink under the  table.

But now, having five years under our belt everything has morphed into some semblance of calm and normalcy. The kids and I are comfortable in public telling people that I am their step mom. Their mom and I are friendly and mutually respectful. His friends have come to accept me and although they don’t like to admit it, they even like me and for the rest of the people we meet who judge me because I don’t have my own kids, or I am the second “wife”, it no longer hurts me deeply. It hurts, but not that much. That’s progress.

As for me, I spend less time in a sobbing heap on the bathroom floor, and more time running through the trails and not taking things so seriously. I have way less anxiety and way more sense that I am doing the right thing and am a good person.

Another interesting development is they say it takes four or five years to bond with his kids (if they are under nine years old at the time). I have definitely noticed that the kids are far more receptive to my discipline, rules or leadership than before. They respond better to me on all fronts. 

As for my husband, he has settled down too. (he’s still not following my leadership role but maybe in the next five years!). He laughs more, is more emotionally available, even keeled, less stressed, and less in a state of panic all the time. Our relationship has become more fun, deeper and more solid over the years.

Overall, everyone has calmed down and settled in to the new reality. We had adopted the boys’ cat from their mother last year and even she (the cat) is more receptive to love and the routines of the house now. You have to have patience and know that in five year increments things get way better. Maybe at ten years I’ll have my Honeymoon phase after all.