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I haven’t quite figured this one out yet. How to have the most fun on a family vacation. At first the whole concept freaked me out. Go away on precious vacation time with the kids? Then I accepted that we would go away with the kids at least once a year for a week or so. Then  it seemed to become twice a year we would all go away as a family. And last year, I think all my holiday time was spent with my family.

This is a big adjustment for the urban step mom. She is used to doing whatever she wants on vacation. Maybe she throws on a backpack and travels Europe. Maybe she packs her bikini and her visa and heads to Cuba. When the urban step mom goes on vacation with the kids, it is not like any vacation she has ever gone on. For one thing, she usually has to cook. This can be a problem on many levels, namely that it is not a vacation if I am in the kitchen cooking and preparing meals the whole time. But what are you going to do, eat out with the kids three times a day? No. You are going to find a condo or some accommodation that has a kitchen so that you can all eat at least breakfast and maybe pack a lunch.

Secondly, what do you do on vacation with kids? This was tough for me to get my head around. Having twin boys, they are all action all the time. They do not get tired. You can play tennis, go snorkeling, swim in the pool all day long and they do not seem to tire. For me on vacation, I wanted to sleep in, go to the spa, eat in nice restaurants and do as little as possible. This was a giant conflict with what they wanted. The three of them were out living a TSN moment of football, soccer, tennis, races, while I wanted to read a good book.

What wound up happening was they would go with their dad on daily adventure challenges and I would go to the spa, go for a run, sit by the pool. We would reconvene at some point and swap stories. But this did not work that well. They were not interested in my stories and I was not really interested in theirs. I felt left out, alone and  lonely and wondered why I was there. 

We tried going away with other families. In concept, this is a great idea. The kids ideally all play together and the adults do their thing together. For the most part, I found this way more manageable and enjoyable. I could go to the spa or go for a run or go to the pool with companionship and adult company. The kids would be super happy playing with their friends and the adults would be happy too. The only trick to this scenario is you have to find the right families where the kids all get along and the parents all get along. You also have to figure out accommodation so that everyone has enough space.

I’ve only made progress recently with family vacations and I think the success falls to a few tips. First and foremost there has to be balance. What I mean by this is two fold. First, you have to have a balance of vacations with the kids and with your husband. If you have joint custody especially, you have the time to go away with your husband and or other adults so that you get your adult needs filled. Then when you go away with the kids, you can focus more on them and enjoy them rather than feel like you need a separate vacation from them.

Secondly, while you are on vacation with the kids, it is important to balance your time with them, and with your husband, and alone if you feel the need. It is very important to everyone that you enjoy your time with the kids. Do the things that they like to do. One of my fondest memories of Mauii earlier in the year was when my husband and I each took a twin by the hand and let them experience snorkeling for the first time. Sharing the captivating sights of the fish together was unforgettable. I also taught them how to body surf and we all enjoyed riding the waves together. Another time, we were all together and the kids asked me if I’d like to play hide and seek with them. At first I politely declined, thinking no way in hell am I playing hide and seek, but they persevered and next thing you know I am playing hide and seek. To this day, it was some of the best fun I have ever had. It was exhilarating. I felt the rush of hiding and the thrill of seeking! I have now learned when you do things together, you have lots to talk about over dinner, and for years to come.

I also recommend a couple of nights together with your man on these family vacations. This may or may not be possible (it has yet to happen for me, but many of my urban step mom friends seem to make this happen and it sounds like a great idea) but most resorts have babysitting services and a night or two away can do you both a lot of good towards reconnecting as a couple. I still might sneak away for the odd spa service or dive into a book for a few hours but most of my time is spent with the kids and we all are starting to have a lot of fun together.

He really does, I’m not kidding. I do believe that unless you really deeply, madly love this guy, the urban step mom cannot find happiness in her situation. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to royally piss you off.  He is, get used to it. 

I used to have these expectations of him that he was going to be my main support system in this crazy stepmadness. That we were going to talk it out, way into the night, examine it, analyze it, figure it all out, maybe shed some tears. Well as it turns out, he’s not much of a talker, nor a listener for that matter and definitely not a crier. Nor does he have much tolerance for what he refers to as negativity or complaining. I consider it expressing, but that’s just me. 

Anyway, he does many things that drive me crazy like not consult me, not include me, make major life decisions without talking to me. Sometimes I feel like the cook and cleaner not the wife and partner. Sometimes I feel like I am here to support him and he is not supporting me. Sometimes I feel like I have turned myself into a pretzel to help him in his life and he has not budged to help me. These are just a few of my complaints about my husband.

One of my tricks to make myself feel better is from the very beginning of our relationship I started a little notebook about him. I went out and bought a really beautiful leather bound book with a leather tie-thingie around it. I bought a rainbow’s selection of colored pens and I started documenting. I documented sweet, incredible things he would say to me. I wrote down things he did for me and things I loved about him. I’m not sure why I did this so early on in our relationship, never having done it before in my life. Nor do I know why I chose colored felt pens and a child-like essence  to scroll the love notes. In any event, the book is a chronicle of the beauty that is my husband and I refer to it whenever he is driving me crazy to remind myself why I am with him and what drew me to him in the first place. 

We all need a book like this. We need to remind ourselves why we are here in this place. We also need to continue to add to it.  We need to write down the adoring things he says to us, lest we forget in a fit of rage when he forgets to take the garbage out for the third week in a row. The other day, he said to me, “you take my breath away when you walk in the door after work” . This blew me away considering he never seems to look up when I walk in the door. So I wrote that one down. One time we were golfing and we came across a very beautiful, still pond and he said to me, “I feel that stillness and peace when I am around you”. I almost started laughing because I thought he must be joking. Thankfully, I did not burst into laughter because it was one of the purist things he has ever said to me. It is something I would forget when he doesn’t do the dishes when he said he would, if I didn’t write it down.

It is just a little trick, and we all need them because as far as I can tell, they all drive us nuts at some points in our lives and we need reminders as to why we chose this man and this life from time to time. Even now as I write this I feel warm and loving towards him. See, it works.

Many of us were given “He’s Just Not That Into You” as a “gift” from a friend when it came out. Some of us needed to have the book thrown at our heads before we clued in that we were chasing a lost cause. It is slightly more tricky, and ever so more confusing and painful when you find yourself involved with a guy with kids who is not ready. He might be into you, but he is not ready for you.

There are two very clear times in this process that the guy is just not ready. The first one I like to call the Inferno, when he is still married, sharing a house with his wife and kids and dating you. Many women find themselves falling for men in this situation and because the man tells you his marriage is over, and has been for years (usually this is exactly what they say), and you believe him.

So ladies, please tell your friends as well, when a man is still married, and sharing a house with his wife and kids, those are red flags. In fact, that is an inferno, and you need to run for your life. I don’t care if he is your soulmate. I don’t care if he’s searched for you his whole life. I don’t care if he’s been mistreated by his wife for years (again, this is exactly what they say). Run.

I do know women who have hung in there through this nightmare and popped out the other end with a wonderful marriage and life, but the journey is rough and tumble and not for the faint of heart. The chances of living happily ever after this stage is almost nil. So if you are in that position, strap in, hold on for your life, and take care of your self along the way.

What I’ve noticed, is that it is common for marriages to go through hard times, and in those hard times men fantasize about other women. When a successful, dynamic, independent, fun urban step mom walks into his life and he starts to feel “in love”, he thinks that fantasy can become a reality. What these men really want is sex, they want to feel loved and admired and appreciated. What the men don’t understand, and the women who date them, is that the reality has a cost and that’s where it gets ugly.

The men cannot anticipate the emotional trauma of breaking up the family, the guilt of leaving the kids, the anguish of the wife, the dividing of the assets, the financial hit, the lawyers, the friends, and then also dealing with the emotions and demands of a new relationship. Even if he does plan on leaving, you do not want to be compromised in the middle of this war. And divorce is war, on the body, the soul and the spirit. If you are in the middle of this war, you become part of it. Next thing you know you are getting hate mail from his wife, threats on your life, being called a house wrecker. 

I have met too many fabulous women who are curled up in the fetal position trying to make sense of this disastrous dating scenario. They make excuses for the man and hang in there, sometimes for years hoping things will get easier but with each day they feel more and more confused and uncomfortable. You have to trust your gut ladies, if it feels gross and all churned up and you can’t focus on your work or your life, listen to it. Trust it.

The second zone I would advise to stay away from is what I call the Grey Area. This is when the man has left his family home, processed the separation papers, has a custody arrangement in place but isn’t divorced. This is maybe a more painful point than the Inferno because reality gets confusing. You tell yourself, he has left his wife, he has his own place, he is available.

That’s what I thought. They had been legally separated for six months, he was in the process of moving to a new house and it had been a “mutual” split. In retrospect, I can see the shocking reality of a mere six month split, four and a half year old twin boys, and how an amicable split can be compromised by a new love interest upon entering the picture. What I didn’t know was for those six months they had been essentially sharing the house even though they had separate accommodations, and that deep down (or not so deep) one of them hoped for reconciliation. What I also didn’t know was the domino effect of turmoil my presence would have on their family.

The Grey Area is when it is over between them, but not really. They are still connected, not only by the kids but by years of building a life together.  They are connected by the fights, the silences, the sharing of a bed for years, the routines, the friends, the extended families, the memories of a life together. What it feels like to the urban step mom is very threatening. She is confused by the constant contact with his ex, the manipulations that go back and forth, the dependence on each other, the emotional patterns they share, the dance they do. The urban step mom is confused by being bumped by her boyfriend because he needs to fix his ex’s dryer, or she needs him to take the kids, or they need to talk. At this point, chances are he is not going back to her, but their twisted, knotted, complex bond stands in the way of your happiness. 

For me, I did not have the maturity to see all of this at the time, nor did I have the maturity to handle it well. I became a wildly insecure, possessive, over reactive, over emotional wreck. It looked like jealousy, it felt like rage, but in actual fact, it was my gut telling me that he just wasn’t ready. He looked ready, he talked like he was ready, but his actions indicated he was not ready. I hung in there like a cat slipping down a fence, clinging on for dear life, but the price I paid emotionally was steep. I became a very small, scared, fearful person and it was not pretty. I am surprised my husband hung in there with this crazy woman, but maybe in truth, he was more focused on his own emotional hell.

Sometimes it is worth it. It was for me. If you are going to make the decision to be with a man in the Grey Area, be aware, be mature, be conscious and most of all back away. Had I known to back away, give him the space to process, give them the space to process, to let go, I could have saved myself a lot of pain of trying to force a man to be ready when clearly he was not. I also could have preserved my sanity and saved myself a lot of anguish. I know this because he is now ready. In retrospect, the difference in his behavior is stark. He is committed to me, he loves me, he adores me and he is no longer torn by the past. We are building our own memories and our own life together, that’s when you know he is ready.

As women who are successful in business we are used to negotiating a deal. No matter what we do for work, we know that the running of the business is the foundation of the business. Without a solid foundation, the business will not be successful. As an urban step mom, we have to take care of the foundation of this relationship and family in the same manner. Most women, even the super successful ones in business have a hard time wrapping their minds around this area of discussion with their partner. But the fact is, when the time comes to deal with these sorts of things, you better be smart about it.

The business elements of your arrangement that need to be confronted, discussed and dealt with are separation agreements and divorce papers between your partner and his ex, pre nups, Insurance policies, the Will, Beneficiary status, Medical benefits.

My advice is before you date, make sure your man is divorced. I am still shocked, at the number of women who date men who are not divorced. I am more shocked at the number of women who date men who have not done their separation agreement but that is another story. Men who are not yet divorced are not yet available. Sounds harsh, but when so many women have the same experience you can assume a trend. The fact is, if they are not divorced, they are not ready to be divorced and you have to ask why? The urban step mom is a smart cookie so she needs to trust her instincts on this one. If a man says he is not divorced because of the money, or the kids, or any other reason, he is not ready to be committed to you. He will still want to date you, but know that he is not available in the way that you think he is. If you are dating a man who is not divorced, you can expect to feel really uncomfortable and frustrated a lot of the time. You are ready for a relationship and he is not. That dynamic just simply leads to pain for the urban step mom.

Secondly, pre nups. Nothing sexy or romantic about pre nups but again, it is a matter of the urban step mom securing the foundation of her relationship. All is rosy in the beginning of any relationship and we can be so filled with glee that we have finally found our soul mate, we omit the step of taking care of ourselves financially. The time for this discussion is when you are discussing Cohabitation.

You need to find a lawyer to help you determine what you should put in your agreement and you need to be able to discuss it with your partner. You are entering into a business deal when you start to live with someone and if you have been working your whole life, met this man later in life, you have no kids, he has kids and an ex, you are going to want to make sure you are financially protected. You may be with a man that has oodles of money, even after paying his ex, but chances are that is not the case. A lot of women disagree with me on this one initially and then change their minds when they get into things a bit deeper and start to feel financially resentful.

The facts are you will need to live in a bigger house because of his kids and the cost of your life is going to go up regardless. How you split your daily/monthly expenses needs to be discussed in detail before you are living together as well as in the event you split. I go one step further and have my own bank account, my own financial planner and my own investments. Together we have a joint account for household costs and we share in the ownership of the house, but everything else is separate at this point. The pre nup was actually my husband’s idea, and at the time I resisted because I thought financially we were about on par. In retrospect, I am glad there is a pre nup because it gives me security if things don’t work out. We have it in a drawer somewhere and it is out of mind but there if we need it.

Next is Insurance, Wills, Beneficiaries. I was shocked a few months before I was about to have “the happiest day of my life” to learn my soon to be husband had not changed his Will, any insurance policies, medical papers or investments to reflect me as his beneficiary rather than his ex. As soon as I found that out, I knew I couldn’t marry him until all this business was taken care of. Was I expected to marry a man who if he died, all the money would go to his ex? Not in my world. Back to the lawyer we went to change the Will. We did both of our Wills, which obviously benefitted him and his kids so in the end he wasn’t too hard pressed to make the change, and we were able to walk down the aisle in peace.

His excuse for not changing her name on all the beneficiary documents and insurance was that he just hadn’t gotten around to it. Do not let this one fly urban step moms. Be smart. 

The other piece of business that I think is necessary for this union is a family therapist. Because this situation is ripe with potential conflict and land mines I highly suggest you keep a trusted family therapist on the payroll. When things get nasty or difficult, just go see the professional. Let them figure it out, give you tools and help you get past it. If he is a stubborn man like mine, and won’t go with you, go on your own. If you can learn some communication tools or at least have a professional to validate your feelings, that will help the relationship regardless.

So take care of the business aspects of your new family and be proactive about it.

Did you ever see that movie Overboard with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell? There are similarities between this movie and the life of the urban step mom. It is a story of a very rich, beautiful, glamorous (albeit bitchy) woman who falls overboard off her palatial yacht and is rescued by someone who worked for her and hated her. She did not treat this fellow well, so when he rescued her and she had no memory of who she was, he played a trick on her and said she was his wife. Her new life is a life of servitude taking care of him, his boys and the house. For the first time in her life she is doing laundry, cooking dinner, disciplining kids (who were told to be especially cruel to her) and putting up with her “husband’s” grouchiness and taking her for granted. On some unconscious level this life does not feel right to her, but she does it because he assures her she is his wife and these are her kids.

I have spent many a night by myself watching this movie almost in horror sympathizing with the feelings of this character. Sometimes you have to just sit there quietly with a glass of wine and wonder, how in the world did I get here? Did someone drug me or knock me out along the way? Of course this is not productive thinking, and obviously not true, you did pick this life, but you could not have known what was involved. How could you? Every marriage, every family and certainly every step family is different. No one can tell you it is going to be hard or how hard or hard for how long.

Eventually Goldie’s character started to accept that this was her life. She resisted less, became more involved in the kids lives and started to become loving towards her “husband”.  Even the kids who were in on the joke started to appreciate and bond with her. It was very confusing for everyone but the dust started to settle in the “family” and a normalcy started to develop. This is not at all unlike the process of the urban step mom. At first the change is so shocking, especially if you don’t have your own kids, and then, eventually you start to find the flow of the very not normal family. It takes a lot of patience, and a lot of adjusting expectations to adapt to this new life. 

I also liken being an urban step mom  to walking through a metaphorical fire. While you are in the throes of it it is hot, really hot, and it hurts and burns and you think you might not make it. On the other side of the fire though, you become someone else. Someone deeper, more loving, more compassionate, and understanding of humanity. You leave a lot behind on the other side. You let a lot of old garbage go. You have to if you are going to grow into the person that can manage the complexities of this situation. Leaving expectations behind is one of those things that makes you  a lighter person. If you can focus on knowing that if you let your old life go, you will have a lighter journey, you will be happier.

When Goldie’s character regained her memory she was furious at this man for putting her through this. She took some time away from the family (she went back drinking champagne on her yacht) and in the end decided she in fact wanted to be with them. Not that it was an easier life, but it was definitely more fulfilling and enriching. Mind you there wasn’t a mother in the picture, and he turned out to be a pretty helpful husband, but it is Hollywood after all. The message still stands that being an urban step mom is not the easiest choice, but if you let go of a lot of expectations about what life is supposed to be like, and accept what it is you might just wind up loving your new life.

We are highly capable, successful career women. We created fabulous lives for ourselves and feel confident there is nothing we can’t do. We run businesses, we make companies and ourselves lots of money, we are entrepreneurs, then we meet a man with kids and suddenly we are useless. We cannot keep up to the new demands on our time and our life.

You’ve gone from taking care of yourself, your condo and maybe a pet, to taking care of a man, his kids, probably a bigger house, and maybe their pets. All this on top of all the usual demands in your life.

I’ll tell you what you don’t do, you don’t drop all your own responsibilities for his. Many an exhausted new urban step mom does this and she goes from fabulous to frantic faster than you can say “institutionalized”! But you also have to accept that you do have a much longer to do list and you need to find a way to step up, manage it and learn when to say no.

You may suddenly  be grocery shopping (I am still overwhelmed by the task of grocery shopping) for a family, feeding a family, cleaning a house, gardening (your condo had a few plants on the deck), and probably lots more chauffeuring to do. How are you going to manage getting everything done and keeping your sanity?

The first thing I do is I get up at around 5am most mornings. I do this because I need control over some of my time at home. No one else is up, so I can write, read, walk the dog or work out in peace. I schedule everything on my to do list and prioritize it. This may sound selfish but unless I get my own stuff done first I feel out of whack, and then resentful if I cancel my own plans to take care of their needs.

Second of all, I do lists, lots and lots of lists. Every day I find old lists in various purses and pockets. I basically had to learn how to cook for a family, run a house and a garden. I would  tell myself that I am not lame, I can figure this out, how hard can it be? Well, it is hard. Cooking for yourself is easy and cooking for a dinner party is fun, cooking for five year olds and a picky 40 year old on a daily basis is neither fun nor easy. Not only that it is incredibly stressful.  Deciding what to cook each night is enough to push me over the edge, let alone doing the shopping and the actual cooking after a long day at work. Turns out there are lots of books for lame -os like me. A couple of my favorites are “The Girl Can’t Cook” and “The Guy Can’t Cook”. Right up my ally, make me look good quickly, (without making me a basket case)  recipes.

The other thing I started doing is devoting some time on Sunday to planning the week’s menu, the week’s grocery list, and then going out and doing the humungous shop. Then it is done. The food is in the house. I know what I am making for dinner on Monday and not to freak out at 4pm when my husband calls and says “what’s for dinner?”

I also started delegating. What a concept. This took quite a while to learn this one. I now ask him which two (week) nights he would like to cook and what he would like to make. I just add his ingredients to the list. If I don’t nail him down on his menu selections, we get home from work on “his nights” and order take out, which is not good for the waistline or the pocketbook.

Another lesson, which I have not yet mastered is don’t try to do too much. This one still alludes me and I still find myself stressed out and acting like a bit of a martyr (but I do do most of the housework!). They also say, lower your standards. I am not there yet. I am doing much better with, hire the help if he won’t do it. I am also  not excelling at the acceptance factor. My Grandmother would not be proud, sorry I’m just not accepting it all just yet.

One year, I was all excited because I thought I would grow  a vegetable garden. I bought a bunch of seeds and planted them. That’s what you are supposed to do right? Apparently, there are all kinds of other things you need to be aware of like time of year, light exposure, soil composition. Two years in a row, my planting a vegetable garden was not only a complete bust but was met with, “my mum knows how to grow vegetables”.  I don’t try to grow vegetables anymore. Trying to grow something you can actually eat is too much pressure. Now I go to the garden store and ask for the most low maintenance, pretty plants they have. Also, my very kind and compassionate neighbor buys me bulbs and  tells me when and how to plant them each year. Bless her.

Running the house for a family is also something that one needs to learn coming from single life. There are so many items that need to be replaced. You need cleaning products for so many more jobs than before. How are you supposed to know what products to use where, when and how often? And boy do you need to know how to clean when living with twin little boys, a big (messy) boy, a dog and two cats! Strap on those rubber gloves, urban step Diva!

I have so many lists in my mind, when I drive up my street to go to work I do a check list as I drive by various services, grocery store, coffee shop, vegetable store, bank, dry cleaner, drug store, yoga studio, gym, key cutter, florist, liquor store, salon.  My mind has become filled with one giant list. Now my step sons are playing hockey and soccer and there are at least 14 events we need to drive them to each week. I can hardly tell you what day it is at this particular juncture.

As for just saying no, this is another trick I have not yet mastered. Stuck in this feeling that I should be able to do this, I am so capable, I take on way too much, and all too often wind up drowning in a puddle of Chardonnay. I’m sure if you can do it, it will most definitely add to your sanity.

The urban step mom is definitely open to feedback on this topic.

Adjust expectations. This is probably the best advice anyone could give you as a new or struggling urban step mom. It is almost as if you have slipped into a parallel universe where everything you used to know and how to do is not longer applicable.

Take grocery shopping for instance. All my adult life, I managed my grocery buying with a basket slung over my forearm as I cruised through aisles quickly to grab the items I wanted to eat that night and maybe some breakfast. The first few times I was buying groceries for my husband and the boys I needed help at least three times. I needed help to get the money in and the large cart out, I needed  help with the placement of the large cart as I unloaded at the check out and I needed help getting it to stay in those little yellow rungs they now have to keep them from rolling away on you. Not only that but I felt completely overwhelmed trying to buy food for a week for a family. The thought that this takes, the menu planning, the lists, the trying to find it all (did you know they move the placement of food in the aisles on purpose??), was enough to make you want to order in three times a day. As well, I was trying to do this monstrous job after work at 5:30 or 6pm, exhausted, feet hurting and when the store is most crowded. Moms have done this for years and years and they flow through the aisles like a leaf in the gentle stream. For the urban step mom it feels like you’re a paper boat in a stormy squall.

Then there’s dinner. This was another massive event that changed in my life. I used to order sushi, pour a glass of wine and watch a little Entertainment Tonight. Now, I dash home,  stop for groceries (or now I’m a little more organized and I do a big shop on Sundays) and have to land a healthy hot meal by 6:30 on the table most nights. I used to have the expectation that after pulling off what I considered to be the completion of a task from Amazing Race, making dinner after work, we would all sit there, enjoy it, compliment the meal, make conversation and just enjoy each other’s company. Having dinner with your step family is not the same as having dinner with your friends. Rarely do I get complimented for starters, however their father does insist I get thanked. As for conversation, in the early days, it revolved around “three more bites, eat your vegetables, no desert unless you finish”. It evolved to “don’t talk with your mouth full” and “bring your fork to your mouth not the other way”. And now we are actually talking about all of our days. As for timing, six to ten minutes or so is usually the alloted time of actually sitting at the dinner table before bolting off to do something else. Time to cook and clean? One hour. Time to eat? Ten minutes. I was never very good at Math but that one did not compute.

Most of my expectations going into this relationship were completely unrealistic, but not all. Some things are worth fighting for. By the time the boys were 8 or 9, I decided the expectation that they would help me around the house and learn some manners was not unrealistic. Not that I was strict and not that the results were in any way instant, but finally I have the kids doing some chores and practicing some manners that would have Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music proud. The boys now set the table, clear the table, put their dishes in the dishwasher, change toilet rolls, feed the cats and take the dog out to pee. They  also, practice very good table manners and have even appreciated candlelight during a meal.

Expectations with my husband from the very beginning of our relationship had to change drastically. These men with kids are different from other men, I will tell you that. First of all, if they are worth their salt at all, the kids come first. Then, based on urgency and needs of the kids the ex usually falls second. Third, the guy’s gotta work to make ends meet for all these people he is responsible for. I hate to say it, but you, Miss Fabulous urban step mom, wind up falling somewhere in there, or after that based on what is happening in his life at that time. Now that’s a hard pill to swallow and a deal breaker for a lot of women trying to make this work. But it is the truth and you have to deal with it if you are going to be successful at this. The only way to manage it is to adjust your expectations. You just simply can’t expect to be treated the same way as by a guy who doesn’t have kids. They simply don’t have the time or the energy to let you know everything and to think of you and your feelings first all the time.

Given that you can accept this fact, the next step is to

a) pick your battles and

b) become an effective loving communicator.

The first caveat pertains to your self discipline and hopefully miraculously new found wisdom in which battles are worth fighting for and which are not. The results are what teach you quickly.

And the second is an excellent skill if you can learn how to do it. I personally struggled a lot with both of these. In the beginning, I pretty much fought over everything trying to gain some semblance of control over my life. And in my communication I was neither loving nor effective. It was something I had to learn over the years and get a lot of professional help with. It is something that is still a work in progress. Being emotional, negative, or a pain in the ass (my husband’s term) gets the urban step mom no where fast. Being calm, quiet, reasonable, rational, logical,  sensitive to his feelings and having a sense of humor positions her steadfast in the face of chaos.

Bottom line, if you are upset about something that he has done or isn’t happening for you, look first and see if you can adjust your expectations. If you can master this skill, you are on your way to your own personal happiness, and that of your life.

Ahh Holidays. I’m talking Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween, all those fun, celebratory  times in life. Sharing holidays with your man and his kids can still be fun, in fact it can be more fun, but first, you have to completely shift your thinking about those holidays. (You also have to have kids that don’t hate you, for those that already think I’m nuts for calling holidays fun with his kids).

For me, my first hurdle  to get my head around was the fact that holidays are now all about the kids. Only urban step moms would understand what I mean when I say this. When you are single for such a long time and childless, you get used to celebrations that involve other adults: dinner parties, costume parties, trips away with girlfriends or lovers, lunches with my parents and always lots of champagne. Those days are basically gone. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, considering at 40,  Cruella DeVille had seen better days…What I am saying is these annual celebrations are completely different when his kids are involved.

We could start anywhere, but let’s start with Valentines Day. Any new urban step mom can tell you that this is a time for romance, candles, dinners, and one on one time with your man. A father of small children apparently will tell you something different. One time, my husband  presented me with a dozen gorgeous roses from all three of them. Now I shouldn’t complain about receiving roses ever, but I must admit, getting roses from a 40 something year old man and two six year olds would not fall in to my most romantic list.

We could then go to Christmas. No secret, and it shouldn’t have surprised me, but Christmas is all about the kids. Start to finish. I can see decorating the house, buying presents and having a fun opening in the morning with the kids, but my experience, and the experience of many urban step moms is as if you have just landed in a toy store and the kids have a pass to take  whatever they want. I have never seen so many presents, not only from their dad, but then they get more from their mom, then people just keep sending and dropping by with presents for them. 

I remember one Christmas after many long talks trying to get my husband to understand how I’d like to have a little “us time” at Christmas, he agreed we would go on a little trip, get home on Christmas eve, have a little “us time”, and have the boys come over on Christmas morning. Sounded delightful. We had a great trip, got home exhausted and my husband who was suddenly missing the kids decided to create a whole magical room for them with couch, tv, desk and pillows which took hours. Once he was done assembling and wrapping, he wanted to have the kids come over right away. So he called his ex, went and got them and we celebrated Christmas with them from Christmas eve  right through Boxing Day.

Eventually, I started to get the hang of holidays. Now I get right in there. It’s the old “if you can’t beat ‘em,  join ‘em” mentality and it seems to work most of the time. I am now pro active when it comes to holidays. On Halloween, I decorate the house, carve pumpkins, shop for and buy costumes, buy candy and even plant the odd plastic spider around the house! On Valentines Day (I can take a hint), I buy them all little heart shaped presents or stuffed animals, provide chocolates and cards for the three of them. And at Christmas, I will take them both shopping for their father and their mother. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment at my new capabilities and for creating my own traditions with my family. I feel happy inside that I can love and spoil all three of them on these special occasions.

The only two days I struggle with in this super step mom scenario are Mother’s Day and my birthday. More often than not I admit to feeling pangs of sadness and loss on these two days of the year. I’m not throwing a Pity Party over it, mostly because I know no one would come, but I do think it is worth mentioning that I wish all men who are with these fabulous women could rally the kids and  take a moment, realize her contributions and spoil her, on her birthday! I know so many women who do not get spoiled by their man and his kids on their birthday and it breaks my heart.

On my last birthday, my loving husband completely spoiled me. He took me out for dinners, bought me beautiful gifts, wrote sentimental cards,  gushed about how much he loves me. The truth is I told him that’s what I wanted, and I was so grateful he obliged. But my secret, unexpressed sadness came from the fact that no one told the boys it was my birthday so there were no precious homemade cards or drawings from them as I insist they do for all their other family members. I honestly sensed they felt bad about it too.

Mother’s Day is another story.  My first year with the boys, we had the kids on Mother’s Day. I felt sick and horrified that this was some huge mistake. In fact, the boys, their mother and I all felt the same way, so that never happened again. I made certain of that. But it did get confusing for years. Their dad did insist that I was acknowledged on Mother’s Day and he would go out with them and buy gifts and cards on their behalf. I found this incredibly sweet and generous on the part of my husband, but I felt a discomfort from the kids that they were doing “mother’s day stuff” for me. So the next year,  I tried to honor them and I said, you boys don’t have to do anything for me on Mother’s Day. You would have thought I had said, you don’t have to eat your dinner, we’re going straight to ice cream, they were so thrilled! Last year, I had no expectations, and they came over and dropped off flowers for me unexpectedly. I loved that. This year, their mother has decided  that I am to have my own special day (can you believe that?), honoring my contributions to them. We are well on our way to taking the “ick” out of Mother’s Day for this urban step mom.

The other hurdle I have is lack of control over whether we have the kids or not for specific holidays and the (last minute) changing of such decisions. This makes it very difficult to plan turkey dinners, surprise parties, romantic getaways or ponies if necessary. For example this Halloween, I excitedly (yes I now get excited about holidays) went out and got a whole bunch of new decorations for the house and even a costume for me (first time, and it isn’t Cruella) after being told we have the kids for Halloween. We were all invited to our neighbor’s annual very fun Halloween Party and I was all set. Then my husband informed me plans had changed and we did not in fact have the kids for Halloween. I was devastated. Then the plan changed again, and their mother was going to take one twin away for a hockey tournament and we were going to take the other one for Halloween, (things were still salvageable at this point, party’s still on). Then the plans changed again and my husband was taking one to the hockey tournament and the mother was taking the other one trick or treating. That left me all alone in the haunted house. The  experience is the typical roller coaster the urban step mom rides when she tries to re create her own traditions in her new life. She has to strap in and hang on tight because for all her heroic efforts, things just might not go her way.

 I do find it interesting however that five years ago I might have freaked out at the responsibility of having the kids on Halloween, not having a clue of what to do. Also, I would have loved the opportunity to have the house to myself. Now, I would rather be with the twins celebrating Halloween than alone. I will go next store to my neighbor’s party and I will have a bit of scotch and I will wear my new costume, but I will miss my little Ghouls and the fun we could have had with all my heart.

To say that everything changes for the urban step mom in five, ten, fifteen or twenty years is an understatement. Typically, when you meet a man you go through the Honeymoon phase for three months to a year. You may  go through the Honeymoon phase with your new man, but it usually takes three days to a week before the romance side of the relationship blows up and the reality of the situation takes over. (I exaggerate to make a point). The flowers stop blooming and the birds stop singing when the kids meet you and they clearly hate you, the ex finds out there is another woman and she is not pleased or the urban step mom steps into a situation that is so demanding, confusing and frustrating that she winds up sobbing on the bathroom floor. The romantic bubble is burst and you are in survival mode. You frantically call your girlfriends for sympathetic ear-fulls, you need time alone, you question whether you can even make this work.

Many of us bail at this point, and if the situation is really bad you do need to consider if this is an option. But if you choose to hang in there and look at every day as a new day, I guarantee things get better.  Let’s go back just one step here, if you are dating a man with kids and you have not met his kids or his ex does not know about you, you are not yet in a serious relationship with this man. The reason being is you have to see how you all are going to handle the shit hitting the proverbial fan, and that is meeting the kids, being part of their lives and being outed to the ex. Once all this happens you are in the fire and you have to see if you can take the heat.

I am not advocating to rush the relationship or the process. I do not encourage rushing. I do encourage going as slow as you can for as long as you can, but as a cautionary word, know that you are living in a bit of a fantasy land with your man until everything is on the table.

Once you are standing naked in the fire that is his life, take heed in knowing the longer you stand there, the better things  get. But I am talking in five year increments so be prepared,  it is very hot for a long time.

The reason being is it takes a long time for the kids, the ex and the rest of the world to get used to this new reality. And while they are all getting used to it, it can be a very painful experience for you.

I remember when I first met my husband, all his friends had loved his ex and were shocked that they had split up and he had taken up with me. Rather than blame him or accept the situation, they blamed me. I had always been the sort of new girlfriend that all my boyfriends’ friends and family loved, so I was shocked at the chilly response I was  getting. Early on in our relationship, we had a house party and one of my boyfriend’s friends mother was there. She had a few glasses of wine and made no bones about letting me know she loved his ex, and under no circumstances would she ever accept me. She even called me a “piece of tail”, which at 40 something (and several years older than his ex) I found strangely humorous and flattering, albeit hurtful.

It didn’t stop there. Many of his friends were unwelcoming of the new woman. His ex was certainly shocked that he had met someone new so soon after their split and had a hard time accepting it. And the kids, even though they were only four years old were visibly confused by the separate houses and lives of their parents and this new woman that always seemed to be around.

In my world, my friends and family were thrilled I had met someone and were extremely welcoming of him. His world was a completely different story. Nothing could prepare me for being stigmatized the “other woman” even though we got together after their split. In my heart I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but his world and many new people we met seemed to think I did. At one point, I even rationalized that maybe if I left the relationship, they could get back together and I could get on with my life thinking I was a good person. My husband thought I was nuts for this train of thought, but I must confess to having it on more than one occasion early on in the relationship. I just did not think I was strong enough to handle all the judgement and rejection. 

Another judgement I felt early on was by other women who were married moms who tried to make me feel inadequate for not having my own kids. One friend of my husbands came right out with it one night at a dinner party and said, what could you possibly know about kids or commitment? Mortified, I must have turned six shades of red, muttered something incomprehensible, gulped wine and wanted to shrink under the  table.

But now, having five years under our belt everything has morphed into some semblance of calm and normalcy. The kids and I are comfortable in public telling people that I am their step mom. Their mom and I are friendly and mutually respectful. His friends have come to accept me and although they don’t like to admit it, they even like me and for the rest of the people we meet who judge me because I don’t have my own kids, or I am the second “wife”, it no longer hurts me deeply. It hurts, but not that much. That’s progress.

As for me, I spend less time in a sobbing heap on the bathroom floor, and more time running through the trails and not taking things so seriously. I have way less anxiety and way more sense that I am doing the right thing and am a good person.

Another interesting development is they say it takes four or five years to bond with his kids (if they are under nine years old at the time). I have definitely noticed that the kids are far more receptive to my discipline, rules or leadership than before. They respond better to me on all fronts. 

As for my husband, he has settled down too. (he’s still not following my leadership role but maybe in the next five years!). He laughs more, is more emotionally available, even keeled, less stressed, and less in a state of panic all the time. Our relationship has become more fun, deeper and more solid over the years.

Overall, everyone has calmed down and settled in to the new reality. We had adopted the boys’ cat from their mother last year and even she (the cat) is more receptive to love and the routines of the house now. You have to have patience and know that in five year increments things get way better. Maybe at ten years I’ll have my Honeymoon phase after all.

I’m Catholic, so I pray a lot. I’m actually what my friend calls a “Recovering Catholic”, but either way, I do consult and beg the Big Guy for guidance and strength on a regular basis. And I do believe my prayers are for the most part answered, although, not always in the most timely fashion. But eventually things seem to work themselves out. I also read a lot of empowering books, talk to a lot of empowering people and go to the odd empowering seminar. When I get into real trouble, I just go see my shrink. 

What I’m saying is you have to have a team of spiritual guides, resources and outlets to help you through this path of being with a man with kids. Just as you have to have a sense of knowing that this man is for you for the long haul, you have to have a sense that you are right where you are supposed to be in your life. You have to believe that there is a higher purpose to small children telling you that you are not their mother, and ex’s ruining your date night. What that higher purpose is, we do not yet know. Urban step mothers that are well into their step-hood agree that there is a higher purpose to it all. Things become much clearer ten and twenty years in (if you can survive this long). In order to have that faith, in my case anyway, I surround myself with  books, cds, seminars and people who believe the same thing and are way more spiritually advanced than me.

How you think makes a huge difference in the outcome of your life. And as an urban step mom, you have the choice of living in urban step madness, or or urban step happiness based on how you decide to look at things. A far more evolved urban step mom than me has taught me a lot about this. She would say things like, “lean into it, accept it, adjust your expectations, look at the positives, take the high road, just breathe”. And although basic, this advice is crucial.

If you look at most websites, blogs or books on step-hood, the step mom is often complaining. She is prone to resentment, bitterness and misery. She can often be heard saying “what about me?”. And it is true. There are a lot of things that a girl could complain about in this situation. But where does that get us? Are we growing as people? Are we leading happy, dynamic incredible lives? Are we helping anyone by taking this perspective? Are we good role models for the children?

What if you look at things philosophically? What if you are open to growing as a human being and you decide you are meant to be with this man for reasons of your spiritual growth?  Or what if these children have come into your life to teach you something? Or what if  you are exactly where you are supposed to be in life? Wouldn’t that at the very least make you feel better in the moment?

What if you look at things positively? Not to sound too much like Pollyanna, but you do have a choice between looking at things positively and negatively. For example, whenever we have the kids, my husband takes them off to hockey games, golf games, outside to throw the football, kick the ball around or whatever. Sometimes I want to go, but sometimes I don’t. I could look at it in all kinds of negative ways like “they always leave me alone, I feel left out, I don’t belong, I am excluded, we never get to do what I want to do”, which is a state of mind I used to often find myself stuck in. Or I could look at it more positively and in an effort to  be a happier person, I think, “great, I have the house to myself, I can focus on my own projects, I can go see some friends, I can enjoy a hot bath, I can luxuriate in my own space.”  The truth is if you believe that you are right where you are meant to be, then you are forced to look for the good, and there is always good in every situation if you are open to looking for it.

And start with yourself. Look at you. You are doing what a lot of women would never and could never do. You are sharing their man with his ex and his kids. You are taking care of, nurturing and doing the best you can with kids that are not your own. You are dealing with lots of emotions and anxieties of all parties involved. You are having to put yourself aside to take care of these people (although, you are making sure you take care of yourself first). You are amazing! You are phenomenal! You are strong and capable and determined. You have patience, wisdom, diplomacy and calm. You are the mothership of this dynamic. They all rely on you for your steadiness,  consistency and rationality whether you know it or not.

My husband says I am the glue of the family and they would be lost without me. How’s that for an important role? You can’t diminish your contribution and your efforts even if like me you have made a lot of mistakes along the way.

One of my biggest mistakes, or regrets I should say, is that I would never snuggle in the mornings when the twins climbed into bed with us. For some twisted reason, I felt this was their time with their dad and I should get out of the bed and go make coffee or something. Truthfully, because I had no experience with kids I was a little freaked out at the prospect of snuggling one of them and drifting back to sleep. This is a concept that parents and kids are used to but urban step moms are not. Remember us urban step moms usually come with the odd intimacy issue. Anyway, as the years passed and this became my exit routine in the morning, they started to get more vocal about their emotions and understandings. One day, one of them asked me, Lis, how come you never stay and snuggle us in the morning? What? I thought! You mean you want me to snuggle you in the morning? I asked. Yes, he said, of course.

This was quite the shock to me, that for years I thought I wasn’t wanted when really they did want me. Now that they are older they don’t come in and snuggle in the mornings that much and I am usually legitimately up earlier than them, but we have created our own tradition. Now at night time, I read them a book and I snuggle with each one before they go to sleep. I know I am wanted because they always beg me to stay for “five more minutes pleasssse”. Had I believed that I was wanted and important from the very beginning, I could have saved myself a lot of money on white wine, therapy and klenex to wipe away my tears. I also would have received lots more snuggles over the years!

Force yourself to look on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. There are countless examples of how we think things are one way and really they are not. So why not believe in the theory that makes you the happiest. For again, if you are happy, chances are your man and his kids will also be happy and that’s a win win for everyone. If you are having trouble (and we all have our moments) have people you can call, books you can read or CDs you can watch to make you feel gratitude and fortitude again. They are all out there, just waiting for you to find them.