urbanstepmom.com

Well I did it. I took a huge leap in my marriage and step family and did something entirely for myself. I planned, booked and executed a trip to Central America with a girl friend. Yes you heard me right. It was a trip sans husband, step kids, pets, work and most of all schedules. It was a trip designed for relaxation and rejuvenation of the soul. It was a trip designed 100% for me.  Grant it, when I booked the trip my husband didn’t have any holiday time left for the year, and I could only assume he would have no desire to practice yoga on the beaches of Costa Rica. So I felt somewhat justified in my selfish act of independence.

It wasn’t until I was met with resistance, that the initial guilt started setting in. But I forged through my second thoughts and took myself on a schedule free adventure. 

Sometimes, your dreams are met with resistance by people that love you. I think they feel afraid that they will be left behind or not included or drastic change will ensue. But I have come to the conclusion that dreams should be tightly held an pursued at all costs, and sometimes they are meant to be done alone. The truth is, I put most of my dreams on hold for the past five years, since I met my husband as we focused on following his dreams of raising wonderful boys. This seemed far more urgent and fateful, not to mention entirely time consuming and overwhelming.

In those five years of  focusing on raising the boys, I was also dealing with losing my career and re inventing myself, marriage for the first time in my mid 40s, running a house and juggling the whole shebang, all the while trying to maintain some degree of mental and emotional stability. It would be fair to say, I was a wreck!

But five years passed and a few of my old dreams started to gnaw away at my soul to the point that it seemed to make sense to acknowledge them, and in this case, follow them. Why not? I thought. I figured time away from loved ones is always good isn’t it? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, don’t they say that? I would be doing something that would strengthen my sense of self, as traveling to foreign countries always does and I would have lots of stories and tales to tell upon my return.

I kept in the best contact I could given that I was in third world countries and at the whim of those with internet. And I took lots of photos to walk them through my adventures when I got home. 

But back to the resistance I felt, especially weeks before I left,  I can only blame myself. It isn’t his fault he had the expectation that he and the kids are the only thing in my life. After all I did throw myself into his life with his kids from the very beginning. I was the one who offered to buy all the groceries, make all the meals, provide a warm and loving (and clean) home. I did offer to pay 50% per cent of everything and be financially independent. And I too was the one that often jimmied my schedule to fit his and the boys’ needs. So I can see how he thought there is no way I would leave the three of them for 10 days on a purely self-serving vacation to the jungles of Nicaragua and Costa Rica.

But  I went. I went with my girlfriend (also an urban step mom to four grown kids) and we laughed a lot. We took surf lessons in Costa Rica, rode horseback across empty gorgeous beaches in Nicaragua. I reconnected with a very dear friend who has taken up residency there, and most of all I followed the desires of my soul. While enjoying my independence, I imagined how my husband and the boys would enjoy this experience and where we could all go as a family next time. They were always in my heart. After all, my soul loves them too.

I came home to a house filled with flowers, homemade cards, a special dinner and all the love a girl could imagine. I had missed them, I was so happy to be home, and I had given my soul a wonderful treat. It has been about a month that I have been home now and  the dynamic of my marriage and my life has changed for the better as a result. Household chores get done without me.  Dinner gets made and dishes get done. Groceries are in the fridge and toilet rolls have been changed. I think my husband and step sons have a new appreciation for me, a new interest in me as this woman who has gone traveling and had new experiences. They have a greater insight into the  complete picture of who I am, and who I was before I devoted myself to them.

As for me, I have a new appreciation for my  family. I love my life. I appreciate all of them. I came to the realization that I shouldn’t have to go away for 10 days to remember who I am. I need to take more time for my life and to bring the kids and my husband more into my life and my dreams and let them experience some of the things that I love to do. Taking them all to the jungles of Nicaragua might be a stretch for our first adventure, but maybe  I could pack them all up and go do something that they would never do, that I used to do all the time. It could be good fun for all of us.

This “step of independence” has strengthened my marriage and made me a better step mom.  It is a platform for me and my husband to sit down and talk more about our dreams together, to ask ourselves, what kind of a life do we want together, and as a family. What sorts of things to we want to “do before we die”, sorts of conversations. He too has been inspired to ask himself the same questions. He’s been immersed in raising the kids and his own turmoil of the last five years. It is a calling for him as well to stop the treadmill and look within at what his dreams are. He also realizes he wants to know what my dreams are and to be a companion with me in fulfilling them. This is a huge step in the right direction for which I am infinitely grateful.

So try to remember your dreams before you answered this very special calling to be a step mom, and figure out if there is a way to pursue them. You don’t have to do them alone or without your husband, but don’t be afraid to be yourself, explore yourself, follow your soul. Because when you do, everyone wins.