urbanstepmom.com

I like a challenge, and I like to grow. I like to push myself and I like to come out the other side victorious. I set goals and I set out to achieve them. I also know myself well enough to know that when I commit to something, at some point, I will want to quit. 

This recent challenge to blog, twitter or journal about “Don’t Take It Personally” that www.thestepmomstoolbox.com put out there, is no exception. I committed to twittering every day on things I will not take personally. I got to Day 3 and I realized I had lots that I take personally. I thought I would find it very challenging to Twitter about something every day that hurt my feelings. Uh, no. I have the opposite problem. I am having a hard time picking  just one thing that hurts my feelings in a day. On day 3, I wanted to quit. See,  this is who I am. I want to quit, but I won’t.

I want to quit because it is depressing that I have hurt feelings every day as a step mom. I wasn’t aware of that fact. Am I really that sensitive? Are they really that mean to me? Do they have any idea how much they hurt my feelings? But I am not quitting, I am still here, (probably depressing my Twitter friends), still challenging myself. 40 days is a long time to stick to something. It is a long time to become aware of something that is painful. But I think there is something here for me to learn and grow, so I am going to stick to it, and I’m going to blog when I feel like I have learned something about myself, that might help you.

Maybe at the end of this, I won’t take it personally as much as a step mom. Maybe I will have grown and strengthened and achieved the mastery to look at life a little differently. Maybe I’ll have an Ah Ha moment and the angels will sing and life will be easier, more joyful with my little family. Maybe I will see that I take things personally on a regular basis in the rest of my life too. And maybe I will be free of that and will achieve great things in my life as a result, not wasting time with hurt feelings. Maybe.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to  track the little things that niggle at the cracks in my heart.  I am going to journal about what might be behind it. I am going to have the guts to look at it, and the guts to let it go. Maybe I’ll have the guts to take my relationship with my husband and my step sons to the next level of love and trust. Maybe.

The beauty of a challenge like this is you don’t know where it will all lead, but it is always worth the journey. I challenge you to join me, in the 40 day Don’t Take It Personally Challenge and we will all learn and grow together. We will not quit, together.

Thanks to Peggy at  www.thestepmomstoolbox.com for the challenge. You could have a huge positive impact on a lot of step moms on the continent.

I just have to look in my fridge to see how big the adjustment is from single career gal to urban stepmom. We have brie and kraft singles, a beautiful bottle of chilled white wine and a row of apple juice boxes. I have left over filet mignon and left over spaghetti and meatballs. Such is this crazy life of contrast. I used to order take out sushi after work, and watch Entertainment Tonight with a glass of Chardonnay, now I’m on deck for dinner for four on a shockingly regular basis.

Getting my head around what to eat when we have the kids (half the time)  has been the biggest logistical challenge I have faced.  It causes me a lot of stress. There are weekends and school nights and both require the creativity of Jamie Oliver and the speed and efficiency of Rachel Ray. I’m starting to think I should leave work early and watch Rachel and ditch Jamie. It’s about efficiency, not creativity I’m learning.

Take this past weekend for example. There are hockey games  that end at 7pm, soccer games that end at noon, and Olympic events that got us home at  8pm. One option is  I could stay home and do all the cooking and meal preparation while my husband attends all the sporting events and Olympic festivities with the twins. (Oh sure, and why don’t I just do a quick swish of all the toilet bowls and change the vacuum cleaner bags while I’m at it?)

Or, I could wing it.

These used to be my two options. One, even though I felt good about what the boys were eating, made me feel resentful. And the other just caused me massive amounts of stress. For example, one night last weekend the boys were all at a hockey game so I made roast beef and root vegetables and apple crumble for desert. It would be served hot and amazingly delicous when they arrived home. I was so pleased with my self. However, by the time they dragged their little bodies to the table, they were so tired they hardly tasted the food and it was all over in 8 minutes. And of course everyone was too tired to do the dishes. Last night I decided to wing it (also a bad choice). We had been out all day and home by 8pm, unfed. Just for the record, my husband was in charge of the logistics of the night and said he had it under control. (note to self, sometimes husbands forget to feed kids). By the time we all got home, everyone is cranky and tired including me. I scroundged around the kitchen and produced soup for one, left over Chinese for another, and heated some pasta for my husband.

The only real solution is to take a page out of Martha’s book and be organized. Plan ahead. Pre make healthy meals and snacks. Shop on Sundays for the week. But the trick is don’t try to be Martha because again, that will just lead to resentment. No one will appreciate the little extras, the fresh cut flowers on the table, Granny’s silverware or the new napkins that match the meal. When these nine year olds and my husband sit down to a meal, they  need large amounts of tastey, healthy simple foods.

And so I start my quest, my new hoby if you will, to figure out what boys like to eat,  how to make it and how to prepare for their busy schedules.  I needed recipes and ideas that are easy to prepare and well received.

I’ve got some good resources. I have some good recipe books such as  The Best of Bridge, The Guy Can’t Cook, and Betty Crocker. I also have a Slow Cooker, which they say is great for someone like me. So now all I have to do is dive in and get organized. It won’t be as easy as take out sushi and a glass of Chardonnay, but maybe I’ll find it fun, easy and way less stressful!

Get them girls, I’m not messing around. If you are thinking about taking your relationship with you man and his kids (and their mother) to the next level, sit down and sharpen your pencil. I’m not talking about a pre nup, I’m talking about an upfront agreement about what you are and are not going to do as this man’s wife or partner. This may sound outrageously unromantic, especially in February, the month of  lovers, but you will save yourself years of weight gain, self loathing and martyrdom if you do this!

Sit down and think about all the things you love to do, the things that make you happy and write them down. For example, how often do you like to see your friends (for me, once a week, I need some female social interaction with good wine, ample appies and comfortable sofas). Are there specific TV shows that you insist on watching (don’t ever bug me on Monday’s between 8-10pm during the Bachellor). Do you need time away from the house to go workout every day? Do you need time alone in the house to clean or secretly eat chocolate? Do you need one big adventure trip without your man once every 5 years? Every year?

And what about the things that don’t make you happy? Like  household duties, how are they going to be divided? Just because you are the female, doesn’t mean all the laundry and toilet bowl cleaning and meal prep should fall to you, but it will if you don’t establish the rules up front. And what are the rules with the kids? What kind of house rules do you want? Are they allowed to sleep in your bed with you and your man? Are they allowed to kick you out of your bed in the middle of the night? Do they go to bed at a certain time? Will they have chores? How many times a week should you have dinner together as a family?

What about the ex? Is she allowed to come over? Is she allowed inside? Does she have a key to your house? Is she allowed in your hot tub? Will she be there on birthdays and joining you for turkey on Thanks Giving?

As for your man, will you have weekly date nights, trips together, new experiences, ten minutes at the end of the day to connect with out the sports high lights on?

And then there is what you need in your house. How about two sinks in the bathroom, two bathrooms, a bath tub, two TVs, two PVRs, your own space, room, wing? How does he feel about pillows and over stuffed sofas? What about closet space and drawers and lights beside the bed? How does he really feel about your mother’s artwork, her mother’s art work, her sister’s art work?

You might think I am being anally insane, and maybe I’ve gone overboard on this one because I did not have the slightest clue to even discuss these things with my husband before I moved in to his house. Instead, I did go through years of weight gain, self loathing and martydom, and it is a long road back to skinny, let me tell you.

You might want to keep the pre nup to the pen and paper, but please, sit down with your man in a very serious, yet loving manner and iron out a few of the details about the nuts and bolts of your relationship. And while you’re at it ask him how he feels about ironing!