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I took my husband out for his birthday dinner last night to a high end trendy Indian restaurant. We drank a bottle of wine, laughed, told stories about our lives and gushed about how much we love each other.

I’m not saying this was a first, but it was close.

Not the going for nice dinners together, we have always enjoyed good food and wine and a great atmosphere. What was unusual is that we didn’t fight. No one shut down, sulked, or stormed out. We actually had a great time.

We have a very loving relationship but without fail whenever we went out for a nice dinner, it ended badly. It seemed the more expensive the restaurant, the bigger the fight. And we could never figure out why.

So what was different?

We were standing at the bar having a glass of wine waiting for a table and my husband who was being relaxed and conversational, said to me, “you know, you have really grown”. 

“What?” I said, slightly taken aback.

“That Don’t Take it Personally thing that you are doing is really making a difference in our relationship” he says.

He went on to say “we’ve been out for a few nice dinners and we haven’t fought. I think it is because of you”.

I thought about it for a minute and he was dead on. Not that I’m big enough to take all the responsibility for our penchant for public drama but I realized that when I choose to not take things personally I am more in control of my emotions and I can control how I react. It is empowering. I can choose indigestion, or I can choose to enjoy a glass of  Malbec and samosas with my husband.

The choice seems easy now. He gently pointed out that I had been misinterpreting, or at least negatively interpreting his intentions, and with that little party crasher gone, we are free to have a fun night out and enjoy each other’s company.

This little skill I’ve learned after 35 days of practicing “the 40 day challenge” to not take things personally that Peggy put out there from http://thestepmomstoolbox.com has literally transformed not only my dinners out, but my relationship with my husband.

I hadn’t really thought about it, but we fight less all around. There is less drama in our lives. Okay, I am less dramatic, I’ll admit. When we do fight, I am able to see that I am taking something personally, and in that moment, I can shift.

Whahoo!, I have the power to shift where the conversation goes. I have the power to say, this is my stuff, or that is your stuff and react accordingly and calmly. What happens when I do this is it opens up a world of possibility of how we can be together. Without the constant conflict, we have a more relaxed relationship, easier, lighter, more fun. 

 I hadn’t realized how my negative interpretations had been affecting my husband and our relationship. I had only been thinking how hurt I am. I had only been thinking about my self.

I hadn’t anticipated how much easier not taking it personally would make my life and how much more loving it would make my marriage. What a great lesson indeed.

I didn’t see this coming. When I took on this 40 Day Challenge (thanks again Peggy from http://thestepmomstoolbox.com), I thought I would see how often I take things personally, how hard these guys are on me,  and how mean they are to me. I thought I would feel more justified about complaining and feeling sorry for myself.

Then, as referenced in my last blog, I had a big Ah Ha moment where I realized that all this negative interpretation is based on not loving myself and feeling like I didn’t deserve to be loved. I found that phase of the process rather overwhelming and discouraging. I had a long way to go, I thought.

But I continued on my daily journey and popped out of the chute in a brand new phase. And I like this one.

I am quite surprised to have emerged after 28 days feeling very non-victimey (I know that isn’t a word yet). In fact, I feel stronger, more confident and I have more energy.

What I realized I was doing was every time someone said something that hurt my feelings I immediately owned it. I wore their words like a big grey heavy cloak. For a girl that should never wear grey, this fashion statement did nothing for me. I assumed, after many years of training, that if they say something bad about me, it must be true. And if it’s true, wow, what a loser I am; no one loves me, I am unlovable and heck, I should just live alone in an igloo in Alaska and spare the world from my eternal badness.

A little overly dramatic, yes, but the point is that it is somewhat ridiculous and self centered I may add (thank you Don Miguel Ruiz) to take everything people say to me or about me as the truth about me, or even about me at all. Frankly for the amount that I was taking personally I should have been pasted to the floor in a heap of self induced depression. It is shocking I have still managed to be a functioning human being while wearing that grey cloak everywhere I went.

So when I got it, that it isn’t about me, it is about them, that gave me a great deal of freedom. Knowing that I’m not those things that they said or I interpreted them saying, means that I get to be someone else. Someone who perhaps wears a tailored hot pink coat that ties at the waist. Maybe with a matching bag and shoes. Why not? Choosing the hot pink over the grey makes  me feel stronger and more confident. I feel centered in the face of other people’s pain, yet somehow more compassionate. I feel lighter.

Also, from a time management perspective the shift enhances efficiencies. I all of a sudden have more time on my hands because I’m not dwelling on negative self beliefs. I have more energy for the good stuff like laughing and joking and tickling the twins.

I’m sure like anything else along the self mastery lines, not taking things personally is a life lesson and needs to be constantly reinforced and practiced just like positive thinking.  It is like a muscle that needs to be worked on a daily basis that eventually gets stronger and stronger.

I still have 12 days left in this process, and I can’t wait to see what comes next.

As you know from my previous post, I agreed to do the 40 Day Challenge to Not Take it Personally thanks to Peggy from thestepmomstoolbox.com. And as you know on day 3, I wanted to quit. I really did want to. I thought, this is stupid and depressing, I need therapy for how much I take personally. Today is day 13 and I am not only hanging in there, but I had an Ah Ha Moment which will change the way I look at my life.

You know how if you give up chocolate, all you can think about is chocolate right? You see it, smell it, hear it calling your name all the time. Same thing with this Challenge. I have become really conscious of how often my feelings are hurt. One day, my husband told one of my step sons to go snuggle me on the couch. I was feeling sick and didn’t want to be “bugged” by a nine year old who I thought was playing a game with his dad to get on my nerves ( a common game they like to play). And so, I rejected his snuggle.

When I went to tuck him in later he asked me sincerely, why I rejected him when he came to snuggle me. I defensively responded that I don’t like it when they do things just because their dad tells them to, like snuggling me or telling me they love me. As soon as I blurted it out, I regretted it. The nine year old was perplexed, “why would I not want to snuggle you?” he asked me. The other nine year old, from the bottom bunk piped up “why do you think we don’t love you?” equally shocked.

Enter my Ah Ha moment.

Now I was feeling like the child. I felt mortified, revealed and extremely vulnerable that they witnessed a window into my fragile, broken heart. And they wanted answers. How could I explain to them that deep down, I didn’t think they loved me. That I thought they did things and said things because their dad told them to. That every time they say they love me I don’t believe it. I couldn’t. I muttered something about how sorry I was that I misunderstood the snuggle opportunity and that it won’t happen again. I kissed them good night and I hastily fled their room.

 As casually as I could, I went into my own room, closed the door, flopped on the bed and started sobbing into a pillow. They love me? Are you kidding me? All these years I thought I didn’t matter to them, they don’t care about me, they want their mom back, and it turns out they actually love me? I was mixed with overwhelming feelings of wasted time (on feeling sorry for myself and always feeling hurt), and of acceptance of love from them.

And that’s when it hit me, the reason I am always feeling hurt and taking things personally is because deep down I think they don’t love me. And I was wrong. So then that got me thinking what would I be like, and what would my life be like if I accepted that my step sons love me? How would I act differently, how would I feel differently? How would things change? 

I also asked myself, 13 days of incidents when I took it personally, was it really personal? Or did I maybe project that they don’t love me and interpret things in a negative way? (that is now rhetorical). When I told my dear husband about my Ah Ha moment, he asked me in his ever probing way, “do you think you love yourself?” I may have the answer for that on Day 40, but at this point, I am still trying to process that I am loved at home.