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I went into this first Spring long weekend feeling depressed. I thought, Life Sucks. The boys were in an all weekend ice hockey tournament and most of their game times ran in the evenings as well as the daytime. It was a weekend that should have been spent in the garden, with friends and enjoying life outdoors.

It made matters worse as I waited for the boys to get ready for their first game on Friday night that I could hear the glorious sounds of my neighbors welcoming friends, pouring wine and firing up their bbqs. I felt sick with envy.

Eventually, I was forced to grab my down coat, gloves and scarf and pile into the car to head to the rink. I experienced three more nights like this on this long weekend while my friends and neighbors entertained people and enjoyed the beauty of Spring but I also experienced some real pleasure and joy of my own.

I decided that rather than be miserable (and freezing) I would balance my weekend with my own needs, taking care of the family and enjoying the boys’ hockey games.

For starters, I took my book to the rink. There is always a period of 45 minutes to an hour to wait until each game, so I sat in the car, read my book in peace and quiet. It was lovely. How often do I get an uninterrupted hour to myself?

Second, I decided to not go to every game. More or less, I went to every second game which meant I could get my exercise in, my gardening and my meal preparation for when they came home hungry and tired. I went to yoga, rode my bike, took a golf lesson. I felt strong and calm when  they came home and happy to take care of them and feed them nourishing meals.

Third, I realized the games were very exciting, my stepsons were stars and I met and enjoyed some very interesting parents. I couldn’t help but feel I was part of something communal and fun with all these families. And there is something very bonding about being at the rink at 10 pm with a bunch of tired parents and spent kids. It didn’t hurt that we won the Cup and everyone felt like champions.

And last, I actually enjoyed the break from drinking wine and eating to excess on the weekend. Meals were on the fly, socializing was in the bleachers and  wine was not an option. I liked the break.

Here is the lesson: prioritize yourself. I used to feel I had to go to every game and had to prepare all the meals and manage all the clean up. That just led to resentment (and envying the neighbors). Then I’d feel guilty about not going to all the games and guilty about not making all the meals. This weekend, I did what I wanted. My priorities were exercise, gardening, cooking and watching the boys. Once I  got my exercise done and my planting, I felt great about cooking and watching the boys.

Once I got my exercise done and my gardening, it freed me up to enjoy cooking, feeding and being part of their sporting event. I’ve said it twice. Get it? Prioritize Yourself.

And now, it is all over. We won the Cup. I was there for the final game, I met some great people and had a great weekend. My husband is cooking the Victory dinner as we speak.  Life is good. 

I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to figure out this balance, but I am grateful that this weekend anyway, I was successful.

How do you figure out your balance?

Yes, we are. I know I said that my last post on Mother’s Day was my last post for the year but I can’t help myself. I had said that I sent a Mother’s Day card to the boys’ mother this year and I hadn’t heard back from her. This didn’t mean anything negative to me, as I assumed she would thank me in person the next time she saw me. 

For some reason, she didn’t get the card until a few days ago, so yesterday she wrote me an email. Last Thanksgiving she wrote me an email to thank me for being in the boys’ life which blew me away, but this email was even more remarkable.

In this email she told me a story about how one of her sons was telling a neighbor a story  and referred to me as his “mom”. The neighbor was perplexed while standing there with his mother and questioned him. He corrected himself and said, “My stepmom, I mean. I have two moms”. She also went on to say how the boys’ expressed to her how important it was to get me flowers on Mother’s Day and how they love to do things for me.

The gist of the email was how some mothers might find their children’s love for another woman threatening, for her, she feels joy and gratitude that there is so much love in their lives.

She also asked in the email how she could support having a “Lisa Day”, which she felt I deserved.

I mean, this woman should be giving seminars to other women in this situation. She could go on tour! Talk about evolved!

Later in the day, I walked up to the soccer field to watch the boys play, and I bumped into her. We talked non stop for the full game. In a very gentle manner, she suggested that I should “claim the boys’ love” for me because it is there and it is pure and unquestioning. I shared with her that it has been difficult for me to claim their love because I have tried very hard to respect everyone’s feelings in this scenario which led to me trying to protect myself from getting hurt.

But recently, out of the mouths of babes and exs, I have been given the green light to walk through a door that I have been afraid to walk through in the past. The door takes me to a place where I am accepted and important; where it is okay to love unconditionally and; where I have a happy, albeit “not normal”  family. The boys have been showing their love for me which makes it impossible for me to deny that I am important in their lives and now I have been given the blessing of their mother to love them with all my heart and my spirit. What a gift.

As I re read this, I wonder, does this sound strange? Why did I think I wasn’t allowed to love the boys? Or at least why did I think I wasn’t allowed to show it? And why on some level didn’t I accept that they love me?

I think the fear of rejection is one of the fundamental challenges of being a stepmom. We are afraid the children might reject our love, or their mother might not be comfortable with us or them showing love for each other.

I would like to know if anyone else has felt afraid to show or feel their love to their step children out of fear of their rejection or out of respect for their mother.

This is my third (and last for the year) blog on Mother’s Day…(might there an issue here??) But I do want to update what happened.

You will remember I went to great (some might say extreme) lengths to make sure my mother’s Mother’s Day, the boys’ Mother’s Day and the boys’ mother’s Mother’s Day were great! Well, things don’t always go as planned.

The first thing I did was send Mother’s Day cards in the mail to my mother (the first in years I am ashamed to say) and the boys’ mother (a first). I heard from neither, but my mother has Alzheimer’s so she probably thought to thank me and forgot. As for the boys’ mother, she is the type to wait until she sees me  and will thank me in person.

Then assuming that we did not have the boys on Mother’s Day my sister and I planned an incredible experience for our mother which involved helicopter rides, high tea and a tour through a spectacular garden. 

Once I was told that we did in fact have the boys,  I went to great lengths to make sure they were with their mother on Mother’s Day.

There had been no discussion about my Mother’s Day, amongst my immediate family but I trusted my husband would make something happen at some point to make me feel honored. So all was perfectly planned.

By the time I got up in the morning, the boys and their dad had gone off to a hockey practice. I woke up to  face licking and purrs from my furry friends, got dressed and headed out to the helicopter pad to meet my mother. On my way, I stopped for a coffee and the owner of the coffee shop gave me a carnation and wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. Random Acts of Kindness are always the best.

I met my mother at the helicopter pad, we took lots of pictures, and piled on for a ride and a day that we would not forget. Well, at least my sister and my niece and I would not forget it, my mother may…(that was our running Alzheimer’s joke). The day was stunning, the ride in the helicopter was something out of the lives of the rich and famous, the gardens gorgeous, the tea was very sophisticated. We all had a glorious time together. 

I arrived home at dinner time to a huge bouquet of flowers, homemade cards, a gift of a golf lesson (much needed and appreciated) from my husband and homemade dinner. What more could a girl ask for? They even did the dishes.

 As I was tucking the boys in I was thinking it was the end of a perfect day. I had worked hard to make sure everyone had a great day and I had succeeded. I went downstairs to watch TV with my husband and we were  interrupted by the padding of little feet. “Lisa, I need to talk to you” said a soft, upset voice from the top of the stairs.

I immediately went upstairs and was greeted by one of the boys with tears in his eyes. “I miss my mom” he sputtered out.  We went to a quiet place in the house and we sat down to have a chat. Through his tears he explained to me that he found it very difficult to see his mom in the middle of a week  ”at this house”. He said that when he comes here, he doesn’t think about her, and when he goes there he doesn’t think about us, but when he’s here, and then spends time with his mom and comes back here “it is hard”.

I was choking back my own tears as this ten year old boy clearly articulated his feelings about such a complex situation. There was no blame, no anger, no frustration, just sadness and loss in all of its purity. He wasn’t asking to call her, or go see her. It had nothing to do with Mother’s Day. He just felt sad.

My immediate reaction was to blame myself for my stupidity in “over organizing” everyone and trying to force the “perfect Mothers Day” for all. But then I realized the true gift this child was giving me was trusting me enough to share his inner most thoughts and feelings.

When I tucked him back in and gave him one last snuggle, I became aware of the fact that I might not be their Mother, but I am a very special person to them, with a very special role.

In terms of being honored on Mother’s Day, I dare say, it doesn’t get much better than this!

Isn’t life ironic? It kills me. People that I am close to know that I don’t like Mother’s Day. I feel super awkward about claiming this status of a Mother when I am a Step. I feel the kids are awkward with the concept as it refers to me. I feel it brings up issues for the boys’ mother and overall makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Even my husband tries extra hard to make it special for me to try to soften my feelings of anxiety around the subject.

So this year, my sister phoned me up and said, “I know you hate Mother’s Day, and you won’t have the boys so whatdya say we take Mom on a fun adventure?” Of course I was game! “I’m in!”, I said. I knew after years of experience that it is better to have the boys at their Mother’s house on Mother’s Day so I assumed this would be the case again this year. That freed me up to honor my mother on Mother’s Day and not be in-waiting for flowers, chocolates, cards and other gifts that may or may not arrive.

So my sister and I had planned a wonderful day with my mother which included helicopter rides, high tea and a walk through a gorgeous garden. My father was driving my mother to the airport, my husband was driving me and I’d be home in time for dinner. It sounded perfect.

Then, in a schedule update conversation with my husband he casually revealed that we have the boys on Mother’s Day. “How is this possible?” I say, “I thought we had an agreement that she always gets them on Mother’s Day and you always get them on Father’s Day?”, to which he just shrugged. This is not good, I thought, the boys will be at home without a Mother or a Stepmother on Mother’s Day.

Their mother had been out of town for a few weeks but finally a week before Mother’s Day I bumped into her at the hockey rink. “Hey”, I frantically breathed, “this Sunday is Mother’s Day and we have them and you have to have them so you should make a plan with them”.

“This Sunday is Mother’s Day?” she casually asked. I was shocked. Then she said, “You have them, you are their mother too, why don’t you do something?” What?? I was horrified at this thought, how can I do something when I am not going to be there and I am not the mother.

This was a disastor in my mind. My main focus, other than my own neurosis was the boys’ happiness being with their mother on Mother’s day and this was not coming together as planned.

“No,” I insisted, “you have to take the boys on Sunday, “it is best for everyone”. She shrugged and said, “okay, well, thanks for thinking of me”.

And that was it. My months of planning and preparation to do something nice for someone else (my mother) and not expect anything from my stepsons and free them up to be with their mother was met by her non challance.

I also made a very bold move  thanks again to Peggy at www.thestepmomstoolbox.com (for always challenging me) who challenged me to send the boys’ mother a Happy Mother’s Day card. I popped it in the mail today and I felt great about it. She is a wonderful mother, and those boys are sweet and caring and loving and beautiful human beings thanks to a big part to her. It was a joy to send her the card. And I hope it brings her joy.

But isn’t it ironic that for months I’ve been worried about Mother’s Day and she’s not even known that it is Mother’s Day?

So what might the message be here? Maybe I am over reacting and over thinking. Maybe next time I should just chill out, trust the universe and enjoy whatever happens.

What do you think?