Not My Mother’s Day
Isn’t life ironic? It kills me. People that I am close to know that I don’t like Mother’s Day. I feel super awkward about claiming this status of a Mother when I am a Step. I feel the kids are awkward with the concept as it refers to me. I feel it brings up issues for the boys’ mother and overall makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Even my husband tries extra hard to make it special for me to try to soften my feelings of anxiety around the subject.
So this year, my sister phoned me up and said, “I know you hate Mother’s Day, and you won’t have the boys so whatdya say we take Mom on a fun adventure?” Of course I was game! “I’m in!”, I said. I knew after years of experience that it is better to have the boys at their Mother’s house on Mother’s Day so I assumed this would be the case again this year. That freed me up to honor my mother on Mother’s Day and not be in-waiting for flowers, chocolates, cards and other gifts that may or may not arrive.
So my sister and I had planned a wonderful day with my mother which included helicopter rides, high tea and a walk through a gorgeous garden. My father was driving my mother to the airport, my husband was driving me and I’d be home in time for dinner. It sounded perfect.
Then, in a schedule update conversation with my husband he casually revealed that we have the boys on Mother’s Day. “How is this possible?” I say, “I thought we had an agreement that she always gets them on Mother’s Day and you always get them on Father’s Day?”, to which he just shrugged. This is not good, I thought, the boys will be at home without a Mother or a Stepmother on Mother’s Day.
Their mother had been out of town for a few weeks but finally a week before Mother’s Day I bumped into her at the hockey rink. “Hey”, I frantically breathed, “this Sunday is Mother’s Day and we have them and you have to have them so you should make a plan with them”.
“This Sunday is Mother’s Day?” she casually asked. I was shocked. Then she said, “You have them, you are their mother too, why don’t you do something?” What?? I was horrified at this thought, how can I do something when I am not going to be there and I am not the mother.
This was a disastor in my mind. My main focus, other than my own neurosis was the boys’ happiness being with their mother on Mother’s day and this was not coming together as planned.
“No,” I insisted, “you have to take the boys on Sunday, “it is best for everyone”. She shrugged and said, “okay, well, thanks for thinking of me”.
And that was it. My months of planning and preparation to do something nice for someone else (my mother) and not expect anything from my stepsons and free them up to be with their mother was met by her non challance.
I also made a very bold move thanks again to Peggy at www.thestepmomstoolbox.com (for always challenging me) who challenged me to send the boys’ mother a Happy Mother’s Day card. I popped it in the mail today and I felt great about it. She is a wonderful mother, and those boys are sweet and caring and loving and beautiful human beings thanks to a big part to her. It was a joy to send her the card. And I hope it brings her joy.
But isn’t it ironic that for months I’ve been worried about Mother’s Day and she’s not even known that it is Mother’s Day?
So what might the message be here? Maybe I am over reacting and over thinking. Maybe next time I should just chill out, trust the universe and enjoy whatever happens.
What do you think?
Yup – Next time just trust the Universe and chill out
What strikes me is that your stepkids’ mom said, “you’re their mother, too.”
HELLO – That’s gold for most stepmoms! Here you have the MOM ok with being mom – enough so that she’s totally cool with you being you!
YAY!
And awesome for sending her a card
Love,
Peggy
I think that you should have always been doing something for your Mother to honor her from the beginning — making a ritual of the holiday that felt appropriate maybe for you. It would have allowed your steps maybe to not feel awkward about enjoying Mother’s Day with their Mom and maybe not made you hate the holiday so much and have to overthink it as well. I think it would have showed a really good example to the kids that even in adulthood you continue to honor your Mother and show her that she is special. *if you feel that way, I should say* And if they happen to be with your family on Mother’s Day — maybe they could, on their own accord, make her a card to give to her or you could take them get her a card to give to her — but let them do it. Relieve yourself of the awkwardness and the overthinking of it. Let them make some choices of how to honor the holiday & and if they eventually are compelled to include you in it, AWESOME. If your husband is taking up the slack of it then the bases I guess are covered — hopefully he is making some efforts to honor his Mother.
Tricia, you are so right…I must admit i have had the tendency at times to focus on what I don’t have and to try to control things in my life, whereas if I just focus on giving, and letting life unfold I’m sure I would be happier. You are right about my mother…she was just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and more than ever I want to focus on her. But over the years, I have just given her a card or a phone call to honor her. My sister and I have made great effort to make her mother’s day special and it feels so much better than expecting something from someone. It feels so good and so fun. You are also right about more effort towards my mother to make her feel special is also an excellent role model for the boys. Thank you so much for your comment!
That is a great mantra, trust the universe and chill out. Can you believe their mother said that? She obviously is way beyond me in trusting the universe and letting go. I didn’t write about this, but she also said, “well then, when are we going to celebrate your day?”. I didn’t write about it because I haven’t had time to process it. As my husband is always saying to me, “let the love in”. What if everything really is okay, life is perfect the way it is, all is good? Then I’d have no excuse for being so scared…hmmm more thought required.
Let the love in…
I love your husband!
And she really said “when are we going to celebrate YOUR day?” YAY!
Honey – you’ve hit Free Parking on the Monopoly board and you just won the jackpot at the Bellagio.
Yes, she really said it, and meant it too I’m sure! I think while I am flying high and fast in a helicopter with my 76 year old mother, I am going to fill my heart up with gratitude and send it to all the stepmoms who might not be as fortunate as me…and I’ll work on letting the love in.