Are We Still Talking About Mother’s Day?
Yes, we are. I know I said that my last post on Mother’s Day was my last post for the year but I can’t help myself. I had said that I sent a Mother’s Day card to the boys’ mother this year and I hadn’t heard back from her. This didn’t mean anything negative to me, as I assumed she would thank me in person the next time she saw me.
For some reason, she didn’t get the card until a few days ago, so yesterday she wrote me an email. Last Thanksgiving she wrote me an email to thank me for being in the boys’ life which blew me away, but this email was even more remarkable.
In this email she told me a story about how one of her sons was telling a neighbor a story and referred to me as his “mom”. The neighbor was perplexed while standing there with his mother and questioned him. He corrected himself and said, “My stepmom, I mean. I have two moms”. She also went on to say how the boys’ expressed to her how important it was to get me flowers on Mother’s Day and how they love to do things for me.
The gist of the email was how some mothers might find their children’s love for another woman threatening, for her, she feels joy and gratitude that there is so much love in their lives.
She also asked in the email how she could support having a “Lisa Day”, which she felt I deserved.
I mean, this woman should be giving seminars to other women in this situation. She could go on tour! Talk about evolved!
Later in the day, I walked up to the soccer field to watch the boys play, and I bumped into her. We talked non stop for the full game. In a very gentle manner, she suggested that I should “claim the boys’ love” for me because it is there and it is pure and unquestioning. I shared with her that it has been difficult for me to claim their love because I have tried very hard to respect everyone’s feelings in this scenario which led to me trying to protect myself from getting hurt.
But recently, out of the mouths of babes and exs, I have been given the green light to walk through a door that I have been afraid to walk through in the past. The door takes me to a place where I am accepted and important; where it is okay to love unconditionally and; where I have a happy, albeit “not normal” family. The boys have been showing their love for me which makes it impossible for me to deny that I am important in their lives and now I have been given the blessing of their mother to love them with all my heart and my spirit. What a gift.
As I re read this, I wonder, does this sound strange? Why did I think I wasn’t allowed to love the boys? Or at least why did I think I wasn’t allowed to show it? And why on some level didn’t I accept that they love me?
I think the fear of rejection is one of the fundamental challenges of being a stepmom. We are afraid the children might reject our love, or their mother might not be comfortable with us or them showing love for each other.
I would like to know if anyone else has felt afraid to show or feel their love to their step children out of fear of their rejection or out of respect for their mother.
Oh Lisa, I have been reading the last few posts and I so can see how confused we all are, aren’t we? We are so carefully treading on egg shells, we are so afraid to do it wrong, to be rejected, to be whatever so we become very careful to express ourselves.
It is not until we dare to observe the wholesome ‘what is so’ like you did, that we get some idea about ‘what is so’ from everybody else’s view point. You wrote this so beautifully and what a gift everybody is giving each other. Step families are confusing and they so amplify what most relationships are struggling with. I am blown away thought by the goodwill you have allowed to grow, by the love that is unfolding. xox Wilma
Wilma, I think you nailed a big part of problem is us getting in our own way. Acting in accordance with our Fear of rejection, or trying to be perfect can only confuse and make matters worse. Even though I don’t have any of my own kids, getting married at 43 for the first time means i still come with a lot of baggage. Life gives you the lessons you need to learn, right!