Hang In There And Be Open
To say that “things always get better as a stepmom” is a sweeping generalization. But if you hang in there for long enough the generalization proves true. It is a reverse relationship when you are dating or marrying a man with kids. At first, it is hell, confusing, frustrating and a huge adjustment. But as time goes on, and everyone settles down, things become dare I say, “normal”. Well, maybe not normal, but as close as we are going to come as stepmoms.
I can look at my relationship with my husband, his kids, his ex, and my self, and with each person, it started rocky and scary and after six years, a calm has set in.
With my husband for example, we used to fight a lot. I was scared, my ego was freaking out, and we were both thrown into (by our own choice) a situation we had no experience with. As for the kids, they used to be small aliens to me. I did not want to touch them or interact with them, not knowing what they might do. And adjusting to having my man’s ex in my life every day was enough to send me crawling to the cookie jar on a regular basis. As for myself, I now have a renewed sense of trust and strength in myself that I did not have before and did not know I possessed.
Granted, things didn’t start to get significantly better until five years in, and I’ve heard the experts say, things really calm down after seven years, but it is worth the wait if you can be open to what is in store. A lot of cookies, chocolate and wine are consumed in those five years so make sure you find an exercise program and strap in!
I always had a sense of hope that things would get better but there have been a lot of significant events that I never could have dreamed.
For example, I never would have expected that the boys, now ten, would insist on snuggles by me at bedtime. Nor would I have expected them to tell me they love me.
If you told me that I would look forward to my “bench time” at the hockey rink or the soccer field with my husband’s ex, I would have laughed at you five years ago.
And if you said you will laugh yourself silly with him and he’ll be your best friend, about my husband, I never would have believed that either. (There is not a lot of laughing in those early years).
Nor would I have believed that I could have found the strength to be open to learning and growing in this situation. But I did that too.
It takes trust, and a serious commitment to letting go. If you can let go of what you think you want, and what you think you know, and are open to what might be, and what is, it is guaranteed to get better. Imagine knowing that life gets better and better and better. More love, more laughter, more joy, more depth of understanding, more compassion, more connection.
If you trust that things will get better if you hang in there, they will. Simply hanging in, is sometimes all you have to do. And some days, it is all you can do.
Let me know if this has been your experience too.
Oh Lisa, I think step-families amplify issues we all deal with, no relationship can be great as our ego ways are more out to wage war than peace, how weird this may seem.
It is beautiful to read your story and how we can go beyond that, when we hold the vision of something far more beautiful than the present moment depicts.
What you write in this post is powerful; “It takes trust, and a serious commitment to letting go. If you can let go of what you think you want, and what you think you know, and are open to what might be, and what is, it is guaranteed to get better.”
Holding on to a vision that is different from the situation you are in, that is hope, isn’t it and that will propel you forward. It did that for me too, once I realized that the present situations always pass and my thoughts about holding a vision are very important.
xox Wilma
5 years. Unfortunately, we didn’t give it that long of a chance. Would things have gotten better? Would the stepson have learned to love me if we had passed the 5-year mark? Would I have learned to be more patient and accepting? We lasted three and a half years and then the ex came in and swooped the child out of our lives (against the child’s will) after 10 years of not being there for her child, moved out of the country, eliminated all contact, and then the husband and I separated. Everything makes me, both, sad and relieved – relieved that the drama with them is over but sad that we didn’t truly make an effort and threw in the towels too quickly. Additionally, I am now scared to death to date again. Will my children go through the same thing? Will my future s/o feel the same frustration, resentment, and hostility that I did? Will I go through what my ex went through since I’m the one with the children now? I am so afraid, so-so afraid. I think I’m going to remain single for the rest of my life. =(:::
You know Julie, I have no judgement whatsoever for not giving it a longer chance. I’m sure you did your best and that is all you can do until you know that you can’t do it any more. I admire you for hanging in there for that long. It is such a hard situation and I hope you take the time to tell yourself you did your best and you are a great person for trying as hard as you did. You were probably taking the best care of yourself in leaving. Sometimes the toughest situations are the hardest but you learn the most. Good luck out there in the dating world…if you decide to go for it!
I just wanted you to know that this post was incredibly helpful. I am currently living with my boyfriend and his two kids (we have the full time) and am in love with all of them. The adjusting thing is something I wasn’t aware of and only until just recently have I started letting go. Proclaimed control freak here, it was AWFUL the first year and a half. Fighting, non-communication, frustration on ALL our parts, it was just hard. Once I started letting go, it is amazing the lift I have gotten. I wasn’t happy, now I am, and it’s getting somewhat better little by little. Enough so, that I don’t want to leave anymore. Thank you for this post. Really. It couldn’t have come at a better time for me.
Dear Lisa,
As we say in my family, “normal is a setting on the dryer.”
Richard and I are coming up on four years – and things are calm – but we never really had the drama and chaos that many stepfamilies experience. All my stepmom issues were primarily about Junior and the upheaval he caused (and still tries to cause). I am blessed with a husband who does not suffer from Disneyland Dad syndrome or Daddy Divorce Guilt. Junior’s mom also knows the chaos her son creates and is appreciative for all that I’ve been able to do. Junior graduates high school this Friday, and that in itself is a major milestone for an LD, ADHD, socially delayed young man.
I’ll be hanging up my stepmom wings soon…Junior is moving in with his mom after graduation (yes, I am happy about that) and I hope one day he’ll grow up enough to have in me what I am to his two older sisters: I’m the BONUS.
You may soon hang up your stepmom wings, but I hope you will find another platform to share and coach others. You have such a gift of communication and the ability to motivate and inspire others.
Congrats on Junior’s success in life!
I’m so glad it was helpful. I know for me, people told me it would get easier but it is hard to believe until a few years in. I think it gets harder before it gets easier, but then it seems to get a lot easier. All parties, including myself just seem to relax.