Letting Go of Kids
If there is one lesson to learn in this stepmom-dom, it is learning to let go. It means letting go in all aspects of life, which if you are remotely a control freak like me, is not an easy lesson!
Recently, I had to let go of control of the kids. It was our week to have the boys and one of them had to go have an operation on his ear and adenoids. It wasn’t a big deal their father told me, just an “in and out” surgery. But the fact of the matter was he was put under general anesthetic and it was quite a production for the child. Both mother and father were there at the hospital and I was not.
It is not my intention to have a pity party or make the focus to be about me, but merely to point out the importance of letting go…or maybe detachment, or maybe both. It is one of the biggest challenges I find, to be there for all the day to day routines like feeding them, picking them up from daycare, going to their hockey games, getting up in the night to care for them when they have nightmares, leaving work when they are sick, but not for example, being at the hospital when something big happens.
If I’m feeling down at the time, it feels like a kick in the gut. If I am feeling more grounded, it is merely a gentle reminder that they are not my kids. There are boundaries that need to be accepted. Boundaries where both the mother and the father make it clear that they are their kids and not my kids. That the faces the kids should see when they are coming out of an anesthetic are theirs and not mine. That the people that make the major decisions about education, health and discipline in their lives are them, not me.
My husband is the type of man who always tries to include his otherwise childless wife in decisions with the kids, but even he has veto power. And after him, she has veto power.
This is one of the reasons why it is so hard being married to a man with kids and not having kids of your own. It is easy to intellectually understand that they are not my kids, and I know I am not the mom. I have a demanding career and a busy life and by all accounts and my world does not revolve around the kids, but none the less, I have a vested interest. I have time in the saddle. Reading to them, biking with them, feeding them, taking care of them all leads to attachment. And when the hospital door (in this case) is slammed shut in front of you, it is confusing on strictly and emotional level.
I’ve heard the advice to back off but I’m not sure how one lives under the same roof as small children on a very regular basis and doesn’t feel the call to take care of them with everything they have, even though they aren’t their own? But I admit, at times it is odd to have responsibility yet not authority.
But that is the call to action here. To love them, care for them, raise them, parent them without attachment. So what could I do? I asked my husband to call me after the surgery and let me know how it went. I bought a stuffed animal because even though he is ten, I knew he would like something soft to sooth him in recovery. He went to his mother’s house that night so she could take care of him. I thought about dropping by and giving him the “stuffie”, but I knew it wasn’t my place. He was with us the next day, and I gave it to him. I wondered if he was upset I wasn’t at the hospital, or if he knew too, there were places for parents and places for step parents.
All I can do is let it go. I can be grateful he has such loving parents who are there for him. And I can be proud of being there for him when he is with us, or when he should ever need me.
It should be enough.
Let me know if you are a childless stepmom and ever feel this way. And if so, how do you handle it?
Hi Lisa, no I am not a childless stepmom but I know the feelings you have. My daughter was at one point close to the mother of her then boy friend and shut me out. That is the same pain, the same letting go. Love is not conditional, it also doesn’t compete. In the end I was just grateful she had someone she trusted and was close to.
The ego wants love returned or wants love to be seen in rankings and importance. For me, realizing that going beyond the ego would free me from having this emotional struggle, was a huge relief.
Love doesn’t need prove, love waits its turn and in the meantime doesn’t get upset when it is not returned in a way you want to.
We all have these moments when we love kids, be they ours or steps or in-laws.
Much love to you because love can be confusing. xox Wilma
Isn’t that the truth Wilma! Once again, it is the ego’s desire to be recognized and appreciated, but love hath no desire like that! Thank you for reading my blog and commenting, as you always nail the real issue and provide a lesson for growth!
Lisa,
I remember the first time one of my step-daughters landed in the hospital…she was in a car accident, just a fender bender, but was taken to ER because she hurt her neck. I had just gotten home, had a long day, when hubs got the call. He knew I had had a long day. When I asked him, “do you want me to go with you?” he replied “No.”
I felt everything from complete rejection to complete rejection. Hubs back tracked after seeing the look on my face (we’d been married 2 short months) and said, “yes, of course I want you to come”
But in my complete rejection, I told him NO. He had to beg me to get in the car and boy did I feel like a complete idiot as he held the door open for me.
Turns out – when he originally told me “No” it wasn’t that he didn’t want me to go – he KNEW I had a long day at work and knowing that SD really was ok, he just thought I’d want to stay home and chill.
Is it possible that your husband thought along the same lines? That this was pretty much a very common type of surgery and he made and assumption based on thinking more of you and your time?
My husband learns every time we find ourselves in a new “uh-oh” moment, and so do I. I’ve learned to say stuff like “I’d like to be there” or “I’d like to go” or “I’d rather stay home…”
Did you want to be at the hospital? How did you approach your husband? Was it more like my first attempt, “would you like me to go?” or was it more like “I’d like to be there” ?
After learning from SD’s trip to the emergency room, I learned to rephrase how I approached hubs. Because when SS had to have surgery to fix his deviated septum, I simply said, “I’ll be there.”
And I was.
When I read your comment Peggy, I thought, truthfully, no one said I couldn’t come, in fact I think my husband’s words were, “you can come if you want”. But to your point, he might have meant, “you have to work, it is minor surgery and we have it covered, so don’t feel you have to”. I’m sure if he reads this blog he’ll feel defensive that he tried to include me and it was me who chose to not be there. Sometimes I lapse into feeling rejected or not wanted before it even happens…now that’s a really insecure person!
Rather than playing the victim, I should have been clear with myself that I wanted to go and said so just as you said!
Hello Lisa, I read your blog all the time and just wanted to say thank you. Every time I read it, it contains something relevant and helpful to me, and usually helps me to untie whatever funk I happen to be in at the moment!
As a childless stepmom, I can relate to the whole ‘responsibility without authority’ dynamic; very frustrating. I never thought I’d want kids of my own, but I have found myself wondering if I should, just so I could have some control and could prove what a better job I could do at it, not exactly a pure motivation!! Not to mention having an outlet for all my newly discovered, yet unrequited mothering tendencies…
What I always come back to is loving without attachment, just as you say. I’m so very thankful to have an awesome stepson, and I try my best to create quality time whenever we are together. This is something I do have control over, even if I can’t control the other stuff. Over time, I’m learning how to let go as well!
Thanks again, and keep up the good work.
Dear Lisa,
Every step along the way is a learning step. The clearer we are with ourselves, the clearer we are with everything else
xo
Peggy
You know, I am childless and stepmothering for a while now. Turned to blogging myself, so I get it and what we all get out of making these connections.
I get all the unconditional love and loving without attachments and all the philosophy and feelings that go along with that and that’s how I live my life as much as I can.
But…….and it’s a big but, it’s not the same when you don’t have kids of your own. I am not angry at stepmothers who have children and want to give me advice, I just think they really don’t know, they haven’t walked in my shoes, so I’ll consider it and then make my own decision.
Whether you misinterpreted your husbands comments, projected onto what he said more than was there or not, I hope you will not minimize your feelings or your desire to be included. Your need for reassurance from your spouse about your place and role in the family is valid and natural. I hope you will not make it your own fault any more than that you’ll sit in dejection waiting to be invited back to the party.
I think your response sounds beautiful. You backed away, did some self-soothing and then when it felt like a good time to share your feelings (present) with your s-son, you then did so. Sounds pretty healthy to me. And health can include the need for extra reassurance and touching base with our partners to feel included and part of the process. According to Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight, even adults need the attachment bonds that children need as they grow up.
Glad I found your blog!
Hi Kim, I’m glad you found my blog too! It is great to have women in the same situation on board. Childless stepmoms are living a different life than moms with kids and stepkids and it is not possible to explain the differences…The challenges of this situation are the most difficult (without trying to sound like I want everyone to come to my pity party) and the hardest to explain…to anyone! So thanks for reading, thanks for your encouragement and thanks for coming back!